What should have been
by sunburntdaisy
Summary: a little consolation in darkness. marksusan. not many chapters to go now. any requests?
1. welcome home

What if… according to one in a million cordano narratives where Elizabeth and Romano get their act, amongst other things, together, pre season 8… Mark was single when Susan came back to Chicago?  
  
(Thanks to rocketlover for the idea…)

* * *

Mark looked up from the patient to see Susan knocking on the window.  
  
"You with me?" Elizabeth demanded of the suddenly grinning and distracted doctor with his hands in her patient.  
  
"Oh, ah, yeah." He looked back to the somewhat gory mess before "Pericardium's tense with blood" He tried to focus on the patient but looked back up to see if Susan was still there, or if he'd just been imagining things, or if she'd run away again no matter how real she was…  
  
She was smiling at him and pointed toward admittance.  
  
He nodded and forced himself to ignore his own heartbeat and focus on keeping the one in front of him going, "That's a big bleeder underneath."  
  
Elizabeth knew he wasn't paying attention. And why. "Your date might be waiting a while."  
  
"Susan knows what this place is like. Can you feel the defect?"  
  
"Got it."

* * *

"Good femoral with compressions." Chuny said.  
  
"Stop CPR." Elizabeth commanded. There was no pulse.  
  
Susan rapped at the window.  
  
Elizabeth ignored her while Mark smiled apologetically, "What do you think?"  
  
"I hope you're not asking my opinion on your date. Probably entry wound through the left ventricle." She said calmly, sounding more like Romano every day, "He's ragged through the mitral valve."  
  
They worked for a few more minutes.  
  
"He's gone." Mark sighed eventually. "You want to call it?"  
  
Elizabeth shook her head and kept going.  
  
Mark rolled his eyes and backed out of the room, holding bloody fists at his shoulders, charmingly, "You look great."  
  
"You look great too."  
  
"Hey Mark I need you to take a look at six year old boy, dehydration and vomiting." Haleh interrupted.  
  
"Can Cleo do it?"  
  
"He's got a genetic disorder."  
  
"You better go." Susan smiled, "And I should too, I have an interview at Northwestern."  
  
"Oh." He didn't manage to sound like he wasn't disappointed.  
  
"You want to have coffee later?"  
  
He was backing towards Haleh, "Ah, yeah. Elizabeth can you spare me?"  
  
"Forget it. Go."  
  
"Good to see things never change." Susan grinned at the chaos ensuing.  
  
"Knock 'em dead." He smiled at her, referring to her interview.  
  
"You too." She replied, watching him disappear into a room.

* * *

"He asked me out half way through the meeting." Susan said, still a little incredulous.  
  
"Was he good looking?" He tried to keep it light  
  
"He spits when he talks." She clearly couldn't care less. "I'm not worried, I've got three more interviews, I'll find something."  
  
"Well, you could stop the search and just return to County?" he didn't want to sound too hopeful but failed miserably.  
  
"Yeah, right." She scoffed.  
  
"We're looking for an attending. You saw what it was like down there thismorning." He sat down and she saw the scar on his head.  
  
"You could've at least called me, you know." She didn't quite scold him.  
  
"I wouldn't have known what to say." His voice almost faltered.  
  
"Or written a letter."  
  
"Oh, like the one you wrote me, telling me you were engaged?" he tried to sound unaffected and light.  
  
"It wasn't an engagement, and its over." She said seriously.  
  
"Is that why you left?" he asked sensitively.  
  
"Chloe moved and that was my only real tie to Arizona. I can't track her all over the world so I thought I'd come home. I've just missed it here." She smiled, "The city, the weather… you." Moment of truth, she thought to herself bravely.  
  
He grinned like he'd been waiting to hear that for the past five years… actually longer considering how long he'd been pining for her before she ever left. "I've missed you." He wasn't so brave. Last time he'd thrown caution to the wind for her she'd left him standing in her dust beside the train tracks. But now she was sitting just two feet away, looking at him totally unsure of herself and more vulnerable than he was expecting.  
  
She tried to cover herself, smiling confidently, but he wasn't convinced. Then he got a well timed page and cringed. "Walk me back?"  
  
She nodded and got up to walk with him. Outside she got up the courage to speak, knowing he'd be pulled into the ER and might not come up for air for longer than she was willing to leave this unsaid. "I know I can't ask much – it's been almost five years, I can't just come back and pick up where we left off." Probably not the best idea to bring up just where you left off, she thought.  
  
She was right there. He didn't want to leave her like this but he had to go.   
  
"You better go." She smiled wryly. He nodded and went inside.

* * *

"What are you doing?" Susan laughed at him. He'd been in the cupboard for a while now.  
  
He found what stepped out of the closet holding a box and pulled the lid off. "I was going to send it to you but I never got around to it. Someone found it a couple of years ago when they moved the laundry."  
  
She laughed and pulled it out of the box. It wasn't really white anymore. But it was her old lab coat, name stitched on the lapel and all. She shook her head. County wasn't that good. She wasn't going to come back for a coat and nostalgia.  
  
"I already told Kerry it was a done deal, so if you pull out now, it'll make me look really stupid,"  
  
"Are you serious?" she was shocked. Then she laughed.  
  
"I put you down for next Tuesday." He grinned mischievously.  
  
She shook her head grinning. "I don't remember you being this impossible."  
  
He just raised his eyebrows, praying she'd take the job, and not just because he hated to give Kerry any reason to speak to him.  
  
"I do hate interviews." She'd agree so she figured she may as well make him work for it.  
  
"Yess."  
  
She laughed. "I didn't sign anything yet."  
  
"Have dinner with me; let me talk you into it." He shut the cupboard and walked with her back toward the ER. She was still holding her lab coat.  
  
She cocked her head to one side, "Yeah."  
  
"I'm off at six."  
  
She nodded still smiling.  
  
He stopped walking before they reached the inevitable swarm of people in the ER. "It's good to see you again."  
  
She swallowed and nodded, reaching into his embrace. "I'll see you later." She pulled away and watched him back away, grinning quirkily. She took a deep breath, tried not to be that affected and failed miserably. 


	2. like old times

"So what have I missed?"  
  
"You want the one-sentence answer?" Mark teased and sat opposite her. She spotted the scar on his head again. "Well, flip, I mean what's it been four, five years?" He couldn't stop smiling and felt a little ridiculous… but then Susan was back, no wonder he was grinning. He'd never dared hope...  
  
"Yeah, it has been a while." She was sure they'd had this conversation already. There was so much to say but where to start? "Every other face at County was a complete stranger."  
  
"And medicine isn't supposed to have a high turnover."

She smiled, "That's cause someone started a nasty rumour about salaries and next thing you know we have prices on our heads."  
  
He laughed. He'd missed her.  
  
"I knew there was a reason I wasn't coming back to County."  
  
"I thought I'd talked you into it."  
  
"I thought you were taking me to dinner to do so." She grinned. She'd missed this.  
  
"Should I stoop to bribery and corruption?"  
  
"Ooh, sounds interesting."  
  
Mark laughed. "Was it really that bad?"  
  
"Oh, nostalgia wears rose coloured glasses but I was there today unfortunately and it all came rushing back."  
  
"Northwestern?" he didn't sound impressed.  
  
"No, probably not, but I'm looking forward to your negotiating skills."  
  
"So am I. There's a reason I leave all that stuff to Kerry. My negotiating skills have been in transit somewhere for my entire adult life."  
  
Susan laughed. This was the Mark she remembered. "So Kerry's head of the ER?"  
  
"Yep."  
  
"Who's chief of surgery?"  
  
"That would be Robert Romano – you've been warned, breathes fire." He almost mustered the bitterness he should have considering Elizabeth virtually left him for that particular dragon.  
  
"So not the red head you were working with today?"  
  
"No that would be his girlfriend though. I used to think they were chalk and cheese but I'm beginning to see the light."  
  
Susan laughed, "You jealous?" She had no idea how close she was – or would have been six months earlier. "Oh gosh. Really?"  
  
"Ha, no. Elizabeth and I did… well, you know. But it ended ages ago."  
  
"Ages, as in a week?"  
  
"No, and I'm glad you didn't see how petty and pathetic I was a week afterward."  
  
Susan laughed. "Well I haven't met this Romano guy…"  
  
"Good for some." He interrupted.  
  
"But I'd say Elizabeth is the one missing out." She was laughing and friendly and he didn't want to read into anything she said, but it was getting harder every minute.  
  
"Okay, enough about me."  
  
"You used up your blushing quotient for the day?" she teased.  
  
He just laughed, damn she was stunning, "What about you? What happened with that guy you weren't engaged to?"  
  
Susan rolled her eyes, "Oh, gosh."  
  
"Yep, I'm going to wheedle it out of you."  
  
"It was… oh gosh, it was embarrassing. Well, not really I mean he's a good guy, he's just…" she wanted to say 'not you' – that would certainly turn the conversation around, avoid the parts of the story she didn't really want to think about, and give her a quick line into telling Mark the line he should have used to get her back at county before kissing her and rushing her to the nearest lockable room.  
  
"Did you break his heart?"  
  
"I doubt it."  
  
He smiled like he didn't believe it, suppressing the most resistant tad of bitterness at the way she left him standing at the station so long ago.   
  
She took a deep breath. She wanted to tell him the rest but it wasn't so easy to pass off as unaffected by it all. "We were only talking about getting married cause…" she took another deep breath.  
  
Mark figured it out and his eyes opened, "You were pregnant?"  
  
She nodded.  
  
"What happened?"  
  
She was touched by his genuine concern. "The ER in Phoenix isn't all that different from County." She tried to joke but failed, "I shouldn't have been pushing myself – I was working just like I always did, you know what its like." She shrugged.  
  
"Are you okay?" he was watching her face, trying to read her.  
  
She nodded, "It was months ago now but… well it kicked the guts out of our relationship."  
  
He nodded, not convinced that she was really okay about it. She'd fallen into being a mum to Suzie so well and he knew that she would have loved to be a mum for real. She would have been heart broken.  
  
"I'm okay." She insisted. "Having a kid is hardly good grounds to base a marriage on anyway. But…"  
  
He nodded understandingly.   
  
"Yeah." She appreciated that. To be understood – one of the greatest human needs. She'd been away for years but hadn't noticed how much she missed it until now. "So…" she smiled at him.  
  
"So." He smiled, "Have I convinced you to come back?"  
  
She nodded. "I haven't signed my life away yet but unless a better offer comes up before, when was it you put me down for? Next Tuesday?"  
  
"This Tuesday."  
  
"Mark!"  
  
"Yeah, well. I'll cover for you if you really can't be there. At least you're coming back." He grinned.  
  
"I hope I didn't burn too many bridges today," she tried to remember if she'd brushed anyone aside.  
  
"Why, who'd you offend?"  
  
"Oh, it's probably nothing, just one of the nurses – young, long hair, seemed to know what she was doing…"  
  
"Abby? She'll get over it. She's probably just marking her territory – her and Carter have a… thing."  
  
"Really?" Susan grinned, glad to be back to normal conversation – just gossiping about county…  
  
"Well, more of a non-thing really. It's the most dramatic nothing since…" he left it hanging mid sentence.  
  
"Us?" she ventured.  
  
"Yeah." He laughed, unsure of his footing on this subject. "If they'd just walk into work from the same El station then they'd be having a torrid affair too."  
  
Susan laughed. Almost like old times, she thought wistfully. "Revenge." She grinned, trying not to get too sentimental and nostalgic. It was still early in the evening.  
  
"Wasn't that why we plastered his leg?"  
  
"Oh, I thought we did that just for the hell of it."  
  
"I don't remember." He laughed.  
  
"We had fun." So much for avoiding the sentimental and nostalgic…  
  
"We did." His smile softened but his eyes stayed on hers.  
  
She had to look away. She took a deep breath before she met his eyes again. "I'm… I'm really sorry about the way I left. I mean," awkward territory, "not about anything you said I just… I shouldn't have left like that, after what you said and…"  
  
"It's okay." He gave her an out, surprised she'd broached the subject at all.  
  
She smiled. "I don't know if I'd be as forgiving as you are."  
  
"It was five years ago Susan."  
  
"You don't hate me anymore." She grinned  
  
He smiled, "I never hated you. That was the problem. Don't get me wrong, I was pissed off but… I've cooled off. My pride has almost recovered."   
  
She knew he was teasing, but only to cover the truth. She wanted this out in the open. Only mushrooms grow in the dark. "I did love you." She was all too aware that she put it in the past tense and she didn't mean it like that at all.  
  
He nodded. So much for not getting his hopes up again. Talk about something else. Something other than their history. Or anything, just not that last little bit of their history, the bit where he sacrificed himself on the altar of dignity and she only kissed him goodbye. One kiss and it was for goodbye. He could remember that day all too well. Unfortunately.

Right. Changing the subject… "So where are you staying?"  
  
"Um…" she was thrown off, "Ah, I'm at Dad's for a few days but I'm definitely considering booking into a hotel if an apartment doesn't fall into my hands in the next day or two."  
  
He laughed, "How's the old man?"  
  
"Bout the same."  
  
"Well I hope you don't want your old place back cause I'm all set up and comfortable in there now."  
  
"You're still there?"  
  
"Sure. Why would I move? Close-ish to work, close to the El. Plus it's your old place." He wasn't sure why that made a difference, but it did.  
  
"You've been there longer than I was." She liked that he still thought of it as her place – kind of touching. Maybe he still… no that was a lot to assume.


	3. to belong

"First day of school and you're already making friends?" Mark teased as Susan escaped the exam room.  
  
"Yeah, I'm a shoe in for home coming queen." She grinned, "a foul abscess, a neurotic granny, Naked boy here and I had to break into Chen's locker."  
  
Mark just laughed, "Welcome back. So what do you want to use for the maggots?"  
  
"Cetacaine."  
  
"Weaver's immune to it so we don't stock it."  
  
"You're having far too much fun with this."  
  
"Colonel Dixon's Magical Maggot Mix." He grinned, "Seriously, you paint it on with milk."  
  
"And I'd forgotten why I was so determined not to get talked into coming back here."  
  
"I knew you were just trying to get dinner out of me."  
  
"That's the one."   
  
"You came to the dark side without a fight." He scoffed.  
  
Mark got back to work as Carter sidled up to her, introducing her to a couple of med students before sending off to do his paperwork.  
  
"You had the grand tour yet?" he smiled at her.  
  
"I'll muddle through. Enjoying babysitting?" she teased, knowing he loved the authority he had with students. "Oh, Abby, is that it?" she called out to a retreating nurse, unsure of her name.  
  
"Ah, yeah." Abby turned. She was loaded to the chin with supplies and not really wanting to stop until she could offload.  
  
"Oh, Susan, Abby, Susan used to work here." Carter filled in the blanks.  
  
"That's the rumour." Abby tried not to sound too impatient.  
  
Susan ignored them both and asked her about setting up to suture in exam three.  
  
"It's all in there." Abby turned away and made for the supply cupboard.

* * *

Susan pushed into through the door into the lounge, desperate for a breather.  
  
"You surviving?" Mark grinned from the coffee machine.  
  
"Huh, just." She smiled. "Yes please." She nodded at the coffee and he passed her his cup and set about making another.  
  
"Has Amal come back?"  
  
She shook her head.  
  
"I'm on a roll." She grinned almost sadistically.  
  
"One of those days eh?"  
  
She nodded and accidentally let a yawn escape. "I did survive the wrath of your charming ex."  
  
"Romano rubbed off on her." He tried to explain Elizabeth's temperament.  
  
Susan laughed, "No it was probably me. I managed to offend Carter's grandmother too."  
  
Mark laughed. He could tell Carter still had a thing for Susan. He wasn't the only one.  
  
"But I did deliver a baby on a ladder. That's a first." She gave him a wry smile and sipped her coffee appreciatively. "When do you finish?"  
  
"Seven"  
  
"Same. Dad invited me to watch ice hockey with him at the bar. You feel like giving me an excuse to get out of it?" she flirted just the tiniest bit.  
  
He laughed. "Sure. Rachel's with me at the moment but she's got a friend's birthday party tonight."  
  
"Oh a school night?"  
  
"That's what I said." He shook his head, clearly more concerned than he'd let Rachel know.  
  
"Susan, I need you out here." Carter pushed the door open.  
  
"I knew it." Mark teased.  
  
Susan glared at him and put her half empty coffee on the bench. "Coming."

* * *

Mark put the pizza box on the kitchen bench and got two fresh beers from the fridge.  
  
Susan followed him into the kitchen. Her old kitchen. "Talk about nostalgic." She took the bottle he offered.  
  
He smiled, still amazed at her mere presence.  
  
"What?" she questioned his stare.  
  
"Oh, nothing." He looked at the clock on the microwave. Ten-fourty-five.  
  
"When was she meant to be home?"  
  
"Ten."  
  
"Is this normal?"  
  
"Huh, there is no normal. She's only been here a couple of weeks. I think she's trying to set precedents. I'm too easy on her but you know me…"  
  
"You hate to be the bad guy." She realised after she said it that she might have hit too close to the mark.  
  
Mark waited a moment before nodding. She really did know him. "Plus I'm trying to make up for the past ten years and she knows it and milks it for all it's worth."  
  
Rachel's key in the door grabbed their attention.  
  
Susan could see Mark's inner struggle and put a comforting hand on his arm.  
  
"Hi." Rachel stood in the Kitchen doorway, first wondering how her dad would react to her late arrival, then wondering who the woman was standing beside him.  
  
"What happened to ten o'clock?" Mark asked, forgetting their introduction.  
  
"Oh, I tried to call – the pay phone in the restaurant was broken." She almost passed for innocent."  
  
Susan stood there awkwardly.  
  
"Rachel, this is Susan." Mark said.  
  
"Hi." Susan smiled and held out her hand. "You've grown up since I last saw you." She tried to melt the tension.  
  
"Susan used to work at County." Mark explained, trying not to sound snappy but he didn't know what to do with Rachel.  
  
"Oh." Rachel smiled amiably. "Well, I'm going to go to bed. I'll see you tomorrow Dad. Nice to meet you again Susan." Rachel disappeared.  
  
Mark looked at Susan. He looked beaten.  
  
"Go talk to her." She prompted.  
  
He hesitated for a moment then nodded and followed his daughter.  
  
Susan cleared the bench and set about doing the few dishes they'd used.  
  
"Oh, you don't have to do that." Mark said when he returned.  
  
"It's okay. They're all done." She dried her hands. "She okay?"  
  
Mark nodded.  
  
"You okay?"  
  
He smiled. "She reminds me of Jenn when she lies."  
  
Susan offered him a wry smile. "You shouldn't blame yourself."  
  
He shook his head and sat down at the kitchen table with a sigh. "Maybe if I'd… I don't know."  
  
There was nothing she could say that would make a difference. "Is she here for good?"  
  
"She's at school, so I hope so."  
  
Susan smiled, "So here's your chance. Don't give up on her… or you. Parenting doesn't come naturally to anyone."  
  
"I don't know – you seemed to pick it up with Suzie."  
  
Susan laughed, "I was a mess."  
  
He shook his head and she was glad to see his smile was back.  
  
"Give yourself some time."  
  
"Yeah. You're probably right."  
  
"I'm bluffing." She said self-depreciatingly.  
  
"No, you read people well."  
  
She shook her head smiling, "Enough with the flattery."  
  
He grinned and took a deep breath. "So… what was the highlight of your first day back?"  
  
She looked at the ceiling, playfully thoughtful. "Probably this."  
  
"Now who's flattering?"  
  
She laughed, "Well… I did get swept off my feet by Malik this morning. Literally."  
  
"Well, I would have done that but people might talk."  
  
"What else is new?"  
  
"True."  
  
"Most embarrassing moment would be when I thought Benton was asking me out to breakfast." She knew he'd like this, "But he was talking to Cleo. Good thing I turned him down."  
  
Mark laughed and she felt the triumph of it.  
  
"Yeah, well you know I've always had a thing for Peter."  
  
"I had my suspicions." He laughed. "Actually, interestingly enough, he had a thing with Elizabeth as well."  
  
"Really?" Susan raised her eyebrows. "She's doing well, three down…"  
  
Mark laughed. "I think she's good for Romano. He hasn't terrorized the ER for a while – well, med students aside."  
  
Susan laughed, "I'm almost looking forward to meeting him."  
  
"Just you wait."  
  
"Oh, don't worry, you'll always be my favourite." It was said before she realised it.  
  
He did a double take then tried to brush it off, "Good to know."  
  
"Sorry."  
  
"It's okay. Me and Elizabeth were a disaster waiting to happen anyway."  
  
"Still, that was awful of me."  
  
"Really it's fine." He insisted. "I didn't love her." He played the brutal honesty card.  
  
"Oh."  
  
"She wasn't good for my pride but that's all she hurt."  
  
Susan nodded. Uncharted territory. "When are you on tomorrow?"  
  
"Six."  
  
"I should go." She stood up.  
  
Mark smiled and went to open the door. "Thank you for coming."  
  
She smiled at him, at his manners.  
  
"And for coming back."  
  
"Thank you for being so… welcoming. I wasn't sure what to expect but I never dared hope…"  
  
"Of course – you're Susan," he shrugged, "you always belonged here." He meant County but was all too aware they were standing in the doorway of his apartment and it used to be hers.  
  
"It's good to belong." She hesitated, "I'll see you at work."  
  
He nodded and watched her walk away before he shut the door 


	4. the waiting game

Susan flicked off her gloves and pulled off the blood-smattered smock with a frustrated sigh.  
  
"You did really well in there Susan." Carter jogged to catch up with her as she pushed through the doors out into the hallway.  
  
She didn't reply but she gave him a wry smile and shrug that meant 'well that's that then'.  
  
"Look, do you want to grab a bite after work?"  
  
She was trying to think of an excuse when she spotted Rachel behind him looking a little lost. "Sorry, not tonight." She threw her smock in a rubbish bin and walked around him. "Rachel, Hi."  
  
"Oh, hi Susan. Is dad here?"  
  
"Um, I think he just left." Susan looked at the clock then the board, searching for Mark's name.  
  
"Oh. It's just that I was going to study with some friends and they live in the opposite direction and I just figured I could drop by and let him know."  
  
"Why don't you call him?" Susan suggested.  
  
"Oh, um… will he be home yet?"  
  
"I don't know but you need to let him know where you are." Susan tried not to get involved but hated to think that Rachel would lie through her teeth and cause Mark even more pain.  
  
"Yeah, Dad worries heaps eh?"  
  
"Only because he loves you."  
  
Rachel met her eyes not sure what to make of her. She pulled out her new cell phone and dialled home. "Oh, hi dad. Yeah, I stopped by at the hospital to let you know I'm studying at a friend's. Yeah, I'll be home by ten. Yeah I know. Okay. Bye." She put the tiny phone back in her bag, smiled at Susan, backed away and waved before disappearing into the throng of people bustling around the ER.  
  
Susan doubted that she'd just witnessed a conversation Mark had any part in. She didn't want to interfere but Mark would be worried and probably hurt.  
  
"Triple MVA, three children and four adults, ETA six minutes." Someone yelled from admin.  
  
Susan resolved to call Mark on her next break and rushed to clear beds before the trauma arrived.

* * *

Mark was pacing a track into the floorboards, planning what he was going to say to Rachel when she walked in the doors, planning how calm he'd be. He'd be to-the-point and unwavering. He wouldn't be manipulated or lied to and he'd lay down the law, without getting angry or… oh, sod it. He was past angry. When the phone rang he almost yelled down the line, "where the hell are you?"  
  
Instead he grabbed it, "Rachel?"  
  
"Sorry, Susan here."  
  
"Oh, hey. Sorry."  
  
"She stoped by the hospital." Susan got his attention, "I thought – well she called you from her cell phone but I'm assuming she was pretending for my benefit."  
  
"Where did she say she was going?"  
  
"She said she was studying with friends."  
  
"Where they with her?"  
  
"No, she came in on her own. She said she'd be home by ten, but…"  
  
"It's eleven."  
  
"Really?" Susan was supposed to have left an hour ago.  
  
"Yup." He sighed. "I better go. She might call."  
  
"Yeah. Do you want some company?"  
  
Mark didn't reply at first. He'd love the company. Susan somehow calmed him – that would be perfect. "Yeah." He admitted a little reluctant – she'd just finished a long shift, possibly a double.  
  
"I'll be there soon."  
  
"Okay. Thank you."  
  
"Bye." Susan hung up the phone and took a deep breath. The lounge was dark and peaceful. She pushed out into the bright and busy ER, ignoring the bustle with unusual focus.  
  
"We're four hours behind Susan. You can't go." Kerry yelled from admittance.  
  
"Sorry Kerry, something came up." She didn't even turn around.

* * *

"Sorry it's not Rachel." Susan said, letting herself into Mark's apartment. He met her anxiously, his shoulders sagging when he heard her.  
  
"What am I supposed to do?"  
  
Susan didn't know what to say so she walked to him and hugged him. She just held him. That was what he needed so he just held her, closing his eyes, all too aware of his faltering emotions, the smell of her shampoo, the warmth of her hands on his back…  
  
"Mark." She didn't move.  
  
"Mm." He opened his eyes but still held her tight.  
  
"Do you have any of her friend's phone numbers?"  
  
He thought for a moment, "No," and pulled back. If they were going to find Rachel he needed some kind of clarity in his head and that wasn't about to happen with Susan that close.  
  
"Well, would she have them in her room?" she let go reluctantly?"  
  
He hesitated then took a deep breath and led the way to Rachel's room. He flicked on the light and ran his eyes over her dresser.  
  
Nothing.  
  
"Ugh, I hate invading her space like this but she could be anywhere." He threw up his hands frustrated.  
  
"Right. We'll find her." Susan touched his arm lightly then set about searching the messy bed covers, a pile of stationary on the floor…  
  
Mark grabbed a bag off the floor behind the door and felt inside each pocket. He pulled out a box of cigarettes. "Well, that's good to know." He threw them on the bed.  
  
Susan turned to see what he'd found but kept looking.  
  
Mark found a homework diary and flicked it open, dropping the bag on the floor. Ironic how it was called a 'homework diary' when it was full of notes and none of them had anything to do with homework. There were a few numbers and Mark called a couple of them, finding nothing other than some kind of teenage solidarity that wouldn't allow Rachel's friends to give him any clues.  
  
Susan could see he was on the verge of panic and anger so she took the phone off him. He pointed to the next phone number gratefully and sat back, exhaling. She put a comforting hand on his knee, "Hi, is Andrew there? – Yeah, thanks." She waited, "Hi, I'm looking for Rachel Greene, do you – oh, she is? Yeah. Yep. Okay. Yeah, now. Okay. Thanks."  
  
"Where is she?"  
  
"He's bringing her home."  
  
"What? I should have gone to get her."  
  
"She'll be here in twenty minutes and she's fine."   
  
Mark stood up angrily.  
  
"Mark if you went to get her you'd be fuming when you got there. This way you get a chance to cool down."  
  
She was right. Mark turned to face her and nodded with a sigh. "Yeah, I know. You're probably right, I just…" he couldn't finish the sentence.  
  
"Don't bring up the cigarettes tonight." She took his hands and got a smile.  
  
"Thank you." He looked at their hands then at her and swallowed.  
  
She pulled away reluctantly. Now was not the time. She gave him a quick and friendly hug then headed for the door. "If you need to blow some steam you have my number." She called back and he listened for the door to shut before he returned to the kitchen for his vigil. 


	5. second chance

Susan was shattered. Nostalgia had fogged her glasses and for some reason she'd thought county was quieter than that. She probably would have been fine, except Carter was pre-mourning his Gamma and kept reaching out to her. She loved to help but she didn't want to give him any ideas. So she walked that line carefully. Meanwhile, the similar line with Mark was faded and smudged. He was always busy and exhausted, between Rachel and work he had enough on his plate and so she resolved to be there for him when he needed her but to ask nothing in return. Not now anyway.  
  
Gallant was shadowing Mark like a bad smell, asking about multi-syllabic conditions until Mark pawned him off on a skin infection and cornered Susan, "Save me."  
  
She laughed, "He seems nice."  
  
"Of course he does. That's how they all start, until they grow up to become residents like Carter."  
  
Susan looked confused, "I wish."   
  
Now Mark looked confused.  
  
"What? He turned into a good doctor."  
  
Mark tried to cover himself, pretending he was teasing when really he was jealous and digging for information.  
  
Susan picked it, "Oh my gosh."  
  
"I'm sorry, am I interrupting?" Gallant appeared at Mark's side like the faithful pup he was.  
  
Mark wanted to say, "Yup," to the med student and kiss the girl.  
  
"No, you're alright." Susan grinned at Mark and left them to it.

* * *

Mark was on his way out when Susan finally escaped Carter (you might have noticed, he's my favourite). She jogged to catch up to him.  
  
"You okay?"  
  
He stopped just outside the doors. "I have to go get Rachel – she's been suspended."  
  
Susan looked shocked. "What for?"  
  
He shook his head and rolled his eyes and shrugged all at once. "I better go."  
  
She nodded. "I'm off in a couple of hours if you want some company." She offered.  
  
He shook his head, "Rachel's going to need all my attention. Plus, I think Carter needs you more."  
  
Susan exhaled frustrated. "Mark, I…" she shook her head half-laughing.  
  
He let himself smile a bit. "I have to go."  
  
She nodded and backed into the ER.

* * *

"Hi, is your Dad there?" Susan asked the teenager on the other end of the phone.  
  
"Dad!" Rachel yelled. It's not that big an apartment, Susan thought.  
  
"Thanks. Mark here." He picked up.  
  
"Hey." Susan said cheerily, sinking back into the couch.  
  
"Hi." He smiled unintentionally but kept it under wraps cause Rachel was watching him suspiciously.  
  
"Just wanted to check you were doing okay."  
  
"Yeah." He replied vaguely, leaving the lounge and Rachel's glare. "She's okay. It's just three days."  
  
"What was it?" Susan asked.  
  
Mark sighed, "Some girl thought she was going to stab her with scissors."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Yeah, when really she was only threatening to chop her dreads off. This is normal behaviour."  
  
"Why?" Susan didn't quite hide her incredulity.  
  
He sighed, "The girl was apparently flirting with Andrew, who apparently is going out with Rachel. What does that mean at fourteen?"  
  
Susan tried to remember. Fourteen? Mark wouldn't appreciate knowing what she was up to when she was fourteen. So she didn't tell him. "It figures it was over a boy."  
  
"Yeah, I thought boys were meant to get in trouble for girls but I didn't realise it went both ways."  
  
Susan laughed. "So what are you to up to for three days?"  
  
"House arrest, it feels like it anyway. Are you at work?"  
  
"Nope, I've got a couple of days off. Aren't you supposed to be on?" She couldn't remember the schedule.  
  
"I got today switched but I'm on tomorrow. Rachel's fine by herself – at least I hope so. I'm tempted to give her enough chores to keep her busy and out of trouble but I'm afraid that might not help things."  
  
"Yeah, maybe not. But at least your apartment will be clean."  
  
Mark laughed. "I wish I knew what she wanted. She doesn't want to go back to St Louis – I mean it's good for my ego but I can't quite convince myself she wants to be here either."  
  
"If she didn't want to be there she would have left – that's what she did before right?"  
  
"I guess. I just don't know what to do."  
  
"They should put out books on this stuff."  
  
"I'm pretty sure they do." He replied, "but I know there's no easy answer."  
  
"Yeah." She agreed helplessly wishing she could do more.  
  
"So, how's Carter?"  
  
"Who knows? Probably chasing Gamma around town." She almost laughed at Mark's thinly-disguised jealousy. "You know there's nothing there right? He still seems like a med student to me. I mean I'm sure I'll get over it and all but… ick."  
  
Mark laughed. She'd known what he was digging for and she'd given it to him straight. "I'm sure that he'd love to hear that."  
  
"I'm trying to break it to him lightly."  
  
"Yeah, only allowed to break so many hearts in one lifetime eh?"  
  
Susan laughed but it was forced.  
  
"Hey, look, thanks for your, um, support, with Rachel lately."  
  
"It's okay, that's what friends are for right?" she brushed it off.  
  
"Yeah, well I appreciate it."  
  
"I just wish I could actually do something to help."  
  
"You did. You were straight with me. I'm too involved but you were cool and calm and collected. So thank you."  
  
"You said that already." She teased. "Hey, you want to come for dinner tonight?"  
  
"I don't know. Rachel's brooding…"  
  
"So bring her along. I'll cook."  
  
"You'll cook?" Maybe she'd learnt in the last five years, he wondered, possible…  
  
"Yeah, I'll teleport myself down to the Chinese restaurant take-out after I place my order and teleport myself back in time to pay the delivery guy." She laughed.  
  
"Chinese sounds good." He smiled, his suspicions confirmed.  
  
"Yeah. So about seven?"  
  
"Sure. I better go. I think I can smell cigarette smoke."  
  
"Would she really?" Susan was surprised at that.  
  
"She's aiming to shock at the moment."  
  
"She's succeeding. Be staunch my friend." She said lightly.  
  
"I'm working on it." Mark walked back into the lounge as he said goodbye.  
  
Rachel shut the window and turned to face him smiling.  
  
"Well at least you had the courtesy to take it outside." He dripped sarcasm.  
  
"I was just…" she started before she realised her argument was fruitless.  
  
Mark sat down on the sofa. "Oh, no just keep going the way you're going. Take the whole lot outside. Down the trash chute preferably. Do you know what your lungs will look like?" he was trying so hard to sound like he didn't care. To his credit, he wasn't doing a very good job.  
  
"I hardly had any." She started but knew this was a battle she wasn't going to win face-to-face. Behind his back, sure, but not to his face. She sat reluctantly on the sofa beside him.  
  
"Look. I don't know much about your life at all. I can guess what you're up to but I'd rather not cause my imagination is terrifying." He took a deep breath.  
  
"I'm fine Dad."  
  
"Yeah, and you're growing up and you can do a lot of stuff without my help, but… Well the truth is I can't control you, I can't make decisions for you, I can't keep an eye on you all the time. If you do something I think puts you in danger then I'll ground you. That's how it works. Smoking puts you in danger. Getting suspended – that qualifies too."  
  
"Yeah, I know."  
  
"I'm not very good at this stuff. And I'm sorry I haven't been around much – I really am."  
  
"I know." She was trying to comfort him now.  
  
"There's a minor chance that I've picked something up in the past twenty-thirty years – you know? Maybe I can help you out sometime – if you'll just tell me what's going on. I love you and I want to know… anything, everything that you want to tell me," He exhaled, "I want you to be able to stay here but if your mother got a report of this week then I doubt she'd allow it. I'm trying my best but you're going to have to put a little effort in too – if you want this to work." He waited for her response, more vulnerable than she was aware.  
  
"I do." She said it really quietly but he heard her.  
  
He smiled at her encouragingly. "Okay." He took a deep breath.  
  
"You want to do something dad?"  
  
"Well," he looked at his watch, "Susan's invited us for dinner."  
  
"Me?"  
  
"Yup." He smiled.  
  
"Are you guys like… you know?"  
  
"No, Susan's an old friend – she moved to Phoenix five years ago. She went to help with her sister's baby. I'm surprised you don't remember her."  
  
Rachel thought about it. "Did she have a baby?"  
  
"Well Suzie is Chloe's daughter but Susan looked after her when you knew her."  
  
"Oh," she nodded in recognition. "I think I remember."  
  
Mark couldn't help but smile.

* * *

Mark parked outside Susan's father's house. Why was he so nervous? He got out of the car quickly, hoping Rachel wouldn't notice.  
  
"Hey, come in." Susan smiled warmly, opening the door.  
  
Mark waited for Rachel to go in then followed, smiling at Susan sincerely.  
  
"So, what do you guys want for dinner? I have a stack of menus and they all have handy-dandy phone numbers. I guess I get my cooking genes from Dad."  
  
Mark laughed and sat down at the breakfast bar comfortably.  
  
Rachel had expected him to politely say he'd have whatever she was having but he had a good look at the menu.  
  
"You want a drink?" Susan asked them.  
  
"Sure. What are we having?" Mark asked.  
  
"What do you want?" she countered, challenging him with playful eyes.  
  
Rachel was amused by the whole exchange. "Soda?"  
  
"Sure." Susan passed her one.  
  
"Sounds good." Mark took the next one Susan offered.  
  
"Chinese okay?"  
  
Mark and Rachel nodded.

* * *

"Left overs for breakfast?" Mark picked up three part-full boxes off the floor.  
  
Susan smiled at him. "No room for desert?"  
  
Rachel was sitting cross-legged in an armchair. "Sure." She grinned.  
  
"We'll come up with something." Susan got up and followed Mark to the kitchen. "Come on, I doubt your Dad's going to be much help." She said to Rachel as she passed.  
  
Rachel smiled and followed.  
  
"Ice cream?" Susan opened the freezer and put a tub on the bench.  
  
"Always." Rachel replied.  
  
Mark was putting their cartons in the trashcan under the sink, grateful that they couldn't see his grin.  
  
"And…" Susan searched the cupboards. "Excellent." She deposited a block of chocolate on top of the ice cream. "You like chocolate sauce right?"  
  
"Of course." Rachel got up to help and Mark turned to watch them, leaning against the bench behind him.  
  
"There's a saucepan under there." Susan pointed to a cupboard then went to the fridge for some cream.  
  
"Just a small one?" Rachel asked.  
  
"How much chocolate sauce do you want?" Susan teased, taking the offered saucepan and turning on an element. "You want to melt the chocolate?"  
  
"Sure," Rachel broke it up and put it in the pan.  
  
Susan leaned over and poured a little bit of cream in so the chocolate wouldn't burn then leant on the bench behind her, opposite Mark.  
  
"What?" she asked of his contented stare.  
  
"Nothing." He spoke softly, his eyes still holding hers. He shut his eyes like that was the only way he could look away.

* * *

"I love this movie." Rachel broke away from their conversation, suddenly paying attention to the television that had just been going on in the back ground. Their desert bowls were scraped almost-clean and sitting on the carpet with a selection of glasses and mugs.  
  
Susan lazily turned up the volume. She was sitting on the other end of the sofa from Mark, her legs tucked comfortably under her.  
  
He had his long legs stretched out, ankles crossed. He didn't recognize the movie so he turned back to his conversation with Susan. She was laughing at him. Nothing unusual there. But it wasn't cruel. In fact it was so comfortable and natural that he wouldn't have swapped it for a hundred compliments.  
  
Half way through the movie Mark got up and took as many dishes as he could carry out to the kitchen. Susan followed with the rest.  
  
"We don't need to do them now." She put the saucepan in the sink.  
  
"I don't mind." Mark ran the hot tap.  
  
Susan pulled out the dish rack. "Thanks."  
  
"No, thank you. For dinner and desert and…"  
  
"It was take-out Mark, hardly a burden."  
  
He smiled, "That's not what I meant."  
  
"I know. I'm just hassling you."  
  
"So where's your Dad?"  
  
"At the bar – as usual. It's for the hockey, not the beer." She grinned, wiping a bowl. "How are things going?" she pointed to the lounge rather than saying Rachel's name.  
  
"Good." He nodded, "Oddly enough. We… talked after you called. And then… tonight's been really great. You're good with her."  
  
Susan concentrated on the dishes with a self-depreciating smile. "So are you. You're trying to raise a teenager on your own." She shrugged, "Don't be too hard on yourself."  
  
After a few moments Mark replied, "It's scary how well you know me."  
  
She looked up at him thoughtfully, "You don't change much."  
  
"Neither do you." He shook his head but his eyes were clamped to hers and not going anywhere. Yeah, while you're doing dishes, real romantic Mark. He smiled and finished up, pulling the plug, fishing around in the draining water for any hiding cutlery.  
  
"You want to put the jug on?" Susan put the last of the dishes away and wiped the bench.  
  
He wordlessly nodded and filled the kettle.  
  
They waited for it to boil in silence. A waiting that wasn't so much awkward as it was anxious. Anxious for what? To get it right this time? Not to get hurt again.  
  
They sat at the breakfast bar and nursed decaf coffee until the credits-music sang through from the lounge.  
  
"I should probably take her home."  
  
"Yeah, school night." Susan took his empty mug.  
  
"Well, not for her." He grinned.  
  
Susan smiled, knowing he didn't take the suspension as lightly as he was trying to make out. She walked through to the lounge and he followed. He didn't want to leave the kitchen because there had been so many missed chances in the past hour – so many times he'd been terrified by the confession in the back of his throat. Leaving those opportunities behind was more painful than he thought it should be. How could she still affect him like this after all these years?  
  
Rachel was sleeping, curled up in the armchair.  
  
"Aw, isn't that cute?" Susan cooed after switching off the TV.  
  
Mark smiled at her and picked up his daughter. She leant into him in her sleep. He couldn't help but smile – the joy of a father whose daughter needs him… for a change. He carried her to the car and Susan opened the door. Now getting her in… this was the fun part.  
  
Susan tried to help, and tried not to laugh too loud.  
  
Mark tried not to tell her how stunning she looked laughing in the foggy lamplight.  
  
"Why doesn't she just sleep here. You have to work tomorrow right? I have the day off."  
  
"It's your day off Susan – sleep in, paint your nails, relax, all that stuff."  
  
"Paint my nails?" She cocked her head to one side teasingly. "Honestly, just stay. There's spare rooms. Let her sleep. You can sneak out at some ungodly hour to go and save lives and us girls will sleep in and eat the leftovers from desert for breakfast in the early afternoon."  
  
"She's going to want to get suspended again." He relented and Susan shut the car door.  
  
Susan didn't turn the lights on inside. Their eyes had adjusted to the dim streetlight coming through the undrawn curtains.  
  
Mark put Rachel down on a single bed as Susan pulled the covers away underneath her. She was about to start tucking the girl in when she realised – this was too happy-family, she was presuming too much, she already loved him but this was… she was setting her hopes up to get dashed, setting herself up to get hurt… She waited outside the door.  
  
"You okay?" he whispered, closing the door behind him.  
  
She nodded and wandered to the next room, turning on the light but not going inside. "Bathroom's at the end of the hall." She pointed. "And I'm the blue door beside it."  
  
He nodded, "I'm wide awake."  
  
"You have work in…"  
  
"Six hours." He nodded, holding her eyes.  
  
She felt like she'd been holding her breath and hyperventilating seemed highly likely but she couldn't pull her eyes away. He was so close. She'd longed for this from the moment she'd left – another chance. She couldn't walk away. "I love you." She breathed.  
  
His eyes and mouth widened slightly as though that was totally unexpected. "You do?"  
  
She nodded, "It's always been you."  
  
He was stunned. She meant it. The sad honesty in her eyes, the waver in her voice, that intense vulnerability. He stepped into her, one hand on her shoulder to steady himself, one on her face, his lips meeting hers with sudden clarity. No more waiting, hoping she'd love him. She already did.  
  
Time seemed to slow down as he reached out to her. She couldn't help but think of their one other kiss. But this time neither of them was leaving. She held onto him with everything she had. She didn't want to stop but it had been a while since she'd last breathed. She pulled back for a breath and looked at him, stunned, then smiling… wow.  
  
"Oh I love you." Mark spoke in a breath and was rewarded with an incredible smile. She touched his face with incredulous hands that had to check he was real. He couldn't help but grin… and kiss her again.  
  
Susan heard the door opening and shutting downstairs. She pulled away but she couldn't stop smiling. "I think Dad's home," she whispered, knowing she sounded like a teenager.  
  
Mark wasn't sure about this – he'd never met Susan's dad and this might not be the best time. Susan could see the reservation in his face and took his hand, pulling him down the hall to her room and shutting the door behind them.  
  
Mark forced his laugh silent. Susan didn't. He gave her a pointed look, like he didn't want to get caught. Which made her laugh even harder. Mark leant against the back of the door with a sigh, smiling at her – amused and a little awe-struck. She was so beautiful. She'd stopped laughing and was just looking at him. "I'm glad you came back." His quiet voice was loud in the silence.  
  
"I wish I'd never left." Her tone matched his in simplicity.  
  
He couldn't take his eyes off her. He was still hurt from the way she left. Ridiculously, he felt, because five years had passed, but he was hurt nonetheless. "Why did you?"  
  
She looked up and met his eyes then looked away. If she was going to try and explain this then seeing his direct reaction might not help. She exhaled, "I was so alone here. Being with Suzie was my chance to fix that – or so I thought." She took another deep breath.  
  
He could see she was struggling. "You don't have to Sus…"  
  
"No, it's okay. I owe you an explanation."  
  
"No you don't – it was your decision. Mine was to chase after you at the last moment and offer you an ultimatum – that wasn't fair on you – I just thought that you might…"  
  
"Please believe me Mark, I did love you. That's why I left. I was so afraid… Susie was a sure thing but you… I'd never loved anyone like that." Now she met his eyes, "I've never loved anyone… like this. If I stayed for this then… then if it didn't work out, or… I was scared. So that's it. It's a stupid reason but…"  
  
"No it's not. I'm scared. I've waited for this for so long. If it doesn't work out then I won't just move on. Five years ago it didn't work out and I still haven't moved on."  
  
"I'm not making the same mistake twice." She stood up and walked over till she faced him.  
  
The look in her eyes made him smile.  
  
"I'm not going anywhere."  
  
And that really made him smile.  
  
She reached up and touched his face then pulled him into an embrace.  
  
"I love you Susan." He whispered into her ear.  
  
She was still grinning when he snuck down the hall a couple of hours later. 


	6. earlybird

Just a little something to hold you over until i write more... hopefully won't be long...

* * *

Mark crept into Rachel's room, perching on the edge of the unfamiliar bed. She stirred and opened her eyes a little. When she didn't recognize the room she propped herself up to look around.  
  
"You feel asleep on the sofa so Susan invited us for the night." He explained.  
  
Rachel's eyebrows rose, not sure what to make of that.  
  
"I was in the other spare room." He cleared that up. "We're not… well…"  
  
"It's okay Dad. She's cool." Rachel smiled, "What time is it?"  
  
"Six a-m"  
  
"Why am I awake?" she dropped back onto the pillow, expecting to be dragged out of bed and home so her dad could get to work on time.  
  
"Don't worry, you can go back to sleep. I, on the other hand, have to be at work in an hour." He stood. "Susan offered to take you home when you're ready so…"  
  
Rachel smiled. "Cool."  
  
"Good. Okay. See you tonight." He backed away, watching her rearrange herself aiming at getting more sleep. He was jealous – he'd had all of three hours and Rachel got to spend the day with Susan. More sleep and that… dreams are free Mark. "Hey, be good to her."  
  
"I will." Rachel mumbled sleepily.

* * *

Mark crept down the hall towards Susan's room and pushed the door open slowly. She was still asleep. He grinned and snuck in, sitting on the side of her bed so she'd stir.  
  
She opened her eyes slightly then shut them again and smiled, "hey."  
  
Mark couldn't speak. Breathing was enough to ask.  
  
She looked up at him when he didn't say anything. "You okay?"  
  
He nodded. "Better than okay." He touched her cheek lightly, like it might disappear. He took a deep breath. He needed to leave. "I'd better go."  
  
She nodded and sat up but he didn't move. "Is Rachel up?"  
  
He shook his head, "It's still early. You should sleep in – it's your day off."  
  
"Then why'd you wake me up?" she teased with a grin that gave her away: she didn't mind in the least.  
  
"Can't think of a better way to start the day. Plus, I'm essentially selfish." He kissed her forehead but she took his face in her hands and met his lips with her own.  
  
"Sorry, I know you have to go." She pulled back.  
  
He nodded, smiling cheekily, "I'll see you tonight."  
  
Susan nodded, watching him leave, holding his eyes and smiling. 


	7. snapshots of an evening at home

a few snapshots... i'll get back to the plot later, this is too much fun...

you know what i've neglected for the last four or five stories:

**disclaimer: what's the point, you know the line**

* * *

"So, what do you want to do today?" Susan handed Rachel a hot chocolate and sat beside her, cradling a mug of hot coffee, almost wishing she'd got more sleep… almost.  
  
"Um… I dunno." Rachel was pretty sure her Dad had said she was going home when Susan was ready to take her… but if Susan didn't know that then the possibilities were much more appealing.  
  
"Well, your Dad probably wouldn't want us having too much fun," she teased, "but I have some shopping to do and you're welcome to tag along, I mean, if you don't want to go home right away."  
  
"Cool." Rachel smiled. This was getting better all the time.

* * *

Mark stopped outside his door to find his keys. He could hear voices inside. And laughter – definitely a good sign. He smiled, letting himself in.  
  
"He's way too old for you." Susan was laughing.  
  
"Yeah, but he has the X-factor. I dunno, I can appreciate he's gorgeous without any sort of… you know."  
  
Mark hoped they were talking about a celebrity.  
  
"I guess. So he goes in the same category as Harrison Ford."  
  
"I never really liked him, but like, Mel Gibson."  
  
"Hey, he's not outside of my age range."   
  
Rachel cracked up laughing as Mark walked into the kitchen. "Good evening ladies."  
  
"Oh, hey." They turned to him in unison.  
  
"How was your day?"  
  
"Awesome." Rachel grinned.  
  
Susan just smiled and offered him a cookie.  
  
Mark nodded a bit suspiciously and took the offered cookie. They were home made – well, that gave away part of what they'd been up to all day. "So, did Susan spoil you rotten?" he sat down beside Rachel.  
  
"Um…"  
  
Mark laughed at them both – Rachel, unsure how to safely answer his question, Susan dreading his response.  
  
"So, you guys want Pizza for dinner?" Susan stood up, headed for the phone.  
  
"Yeah." Rachel forgot her anxiety.  
  
"So what did you get up to all day?" Mark asked once Susan was gone.  
  
"Well, Susan wanted to do some shopping and she let me go with her, and we just hung out for a bit then came home."  
  
"Uh huh." Mark nodded, knowing he was hearing the understatement of the year.  
  
"It'll be here in a while." Susan returned  
  
"Cool, well I'm going to go and… um…" Rachel mumbled something and disappeared toward her room.  
  
Mark was laughing silently.  
  
"I think I did spoil her." Susan sat down beside him.  
  
He just smiled at her. "I don't care. She's happy. I was never much for discipline…" he shrugged, grinning at her. He took a deep breath and let his eyes linger in hers luxuriously, "You're incredible."  
  
Susan laughed and shook her head.  
  
"So what did you do all day?"  
  
"You mean other than painting our nails?" she teased.  
  
"Well, yeah, other than that." He played along.  
  
"Oh, you know, just… saw a movie, spot of shopping," she laughed, "ice cream, sushi, more shopping… I'm a sucker."  
  
"Welcome to the club." He took her hand, "You know, today I should have been, well, fuming about all this with Rachel, but I didn't worry for a moment and I've been grinning like an idiot all day."  
  
"Me too. She asked about us… if we were… you know."  
  
Mark nodded.  
  
"I managed to fend it off but maybe…"  
  
"I'll talk to her. I think she's figured it out, but still. She likes you – well, she said you were 'cool' and that was before you spoilt her all day, so…"  
  
"Well that's got to be good. So, how was work?"  
  
"I can't remember." He had lost himself somewhere in her eyes.  
  
She laughed lightly and touched his chin with her fingertips.  
  
He was about to kiss her when the doorbell rang. Opening his eyes, he thought about getting up.  
  
"I'll get it." Rachel called.  
  
"There's some cash in the drawer…" Mark started.  
  
"I know," came Rachel's reply.  
  
Susan was smiling, knowing Rachel would be back in a moment, she leant in for a quick kiss, catching him off guard, then pulling back just in time. "Man, am I hungry." She covered her blush and got up to pour some drinks.  
  
"Hey, you got vegetarian." Rachel looked up pleasantly surprised.  
  
"Well, you said you didn't eat meat – same thing right?" Susan teased.  
  
"Yeah, but… thanks." Rachel helped herself to several slices and took her plate through to the lounge to watch TV.  
  
"Pizza without meat – I don't understand, but it's her life." Susan sat back down and put their drinks in front of them, "Vegetarian?" she teased, loading a plate with pepperoni for him.  
  
"Ah, how well you know me."

* * *

"They haven't figured it out so she's on probation or something – like we're not understaffed already." Mark summarized the entire Is-Elizabeth-Killing-Her-Patients? storyline in one sentence.  
  
"So, not the best time to go on holiday?"  
  
"Why, what did you have planned?"  
  
"Oh, nothing, just letting my mind wander."  
  
"A holiday would be so good." Mark agreed. "I've been so tired lately – I just can't seem to catch up on sleep."  
  
Susan looked concerned.  
  
"I'm okay, just tired." He shrugged.  
  
She reached out to touch his forehead. His temperature was fine but he didn't let her get away without kissing her like he'd wanted to all day – well, ever since he had early that morning. And the knowledge that he could do so when he got home had him on turbo-power all day.  
  
"I knew it." Rachel walked into the kitchen right on cue, to get a drink. She ignored their embarrassment, got her drink and headed back to the lounge.  
  
"Well, that… could have been worse." Susan laughed.  
  
"Yup." He grinned then got up to clear the table.  
  
"So," she followed him, "What's the plan for tomorrow?"  
  
"Just the usual, why?"  
  
"I mean, what about Rachel?"  
  
"Oh, well, I was going to leave her at home, I mean I don't have a lot of choice. I'm on seven till seven again."  
  
Susan nodded, "I could take her again."  
  
"You're crazy."  
  
"It's why you love me." She shrugged  
  
"You are crazy." He turned to her, just looking at her, still awestruck.  
  
She smiled contentedly and stepped into him, hugging him.  
  
"What's this for?" he held her tight, resting his head on hers.  
  
"Just because I can." She mumbled into his chest.  
  
Mark kissed her hair, still holding her as close as he could without hurting her. "I still don't quite believe it."  
  
"What?" she whispered.  
  
"You're here."  
  
She sighed, "Me either." 


	8. all i want for christmas is you

Hey! More! 2 in one day! and no more silly disclaimer, got it out of my system. this starts where the last one left off - had an epiphany walking from one job to the other today - and then the rest are fairly clear on where they go in the great scheme of things. actually, minor disclaimer for this whole story - i've pulled lots of lines, and medical stuff straight out of the real ER (well, you know, 'real' as in the one on tv... so not real but about as good as this story...)

* * *

"That was painless." Mark was surprised that Rachel went to bed as soon as he asked.  
  
"There's hope yet." Susan said wryly, "I should probably go. I didn't get much sleep last night. I got some this morning, but you must be exhausted." She stood up, wrapping a scarf around her neck.  
  
Mark nodded and walked to the door. "Seven till seven – three very powerful words."  
  
"So what time should I pick up Rachel?"  
  
Mark hadn't assumed she was serious.  
  
"Really, I want to." She laughed at his incredulous look.  
  
"Okay, meet us for lunch." He put her coat over her shoulders and turned her to face him. "One o'clock yeah?"  
  
Susan nodded and yawned right on cue. Mark followed suit. "It's catching," she smiled at him. She reached up to kiss him, her hands on his neck. "I love you." She breathed between breathless kisses.  
  
"See, you are crazy." He replied pulling back reluctantly.  
  
She shook her head, a smile playing in her eyes, toying with the idea of staying the night. "I'll see you tomorrow."  
  
Mark had known the look in her eyes but nodded in agreement giving her a very disciplined quick kiss and wistfully watching her walk away.

* * *

(See episode, "Partly Cloudy, Chance of Rain")  
  
Susan found Mark arguing with a patient.  
  
"Mark, I wanted a second opinion…"  
  
"Hold on," he turned back to the patient frustrated and she watched amused, "How many heart attacks have you had?"  
  
"Just one."  
  
"So you went to work, directing traffic, instead of finding a doctor immediately? Now it's too late."  
  
He was going a bit overboard on the scare tactics she thought.  
  
"What, I'm gonna die?" it was working  
  
"No, I just mean any damage you did to your heart is already done," Mark looked at the chart, "You'll need to stay overnight for observation." He finally turned to Susan whose eyes were raised, questioning his tone wordlessly.  
  
"What kind of bedside manner is that?" she asked as soon as they were out of earshot.  
  
Mark sighed dramatically and rubbed his tired eyes, "the idiot has had an MI after stenting, and he stands in the rain for eight hours."  
  
"I don't think yelling's going to help."  
  
"It might."  
  
She could tell he was tired so she let it drop. "Are you okay?"  
  
"MedEvac is coming our way with an almost-drowned kid aboard." Abby interrupted.  
  
"Yeah just tired, must be bad if they're flying him over in this weather." He headed toward the elevator.  
  
"Mark." Susan jogged to catch up, "Go home, I'll cover your shift."  
  
"I'm fine, plus Rachel's at a friend's tonight."  
  
"So? You're exhausted. Go." She stood in his way.  
  
He didn't speak or nod but his eyes relented and he let her get in the elevator without him. She gave him a simple smile as the doors shut.

* * *

Susan dropped onto her bed exhausted, pushing the flashing red button on her phone.  
  
"First new message – Hey Susan. Thanks for putting up with me today, I… hope your shift wasn't too long or anything… Just wanted to say thank you, for everything. I'm off tomorrow. I'd love to see you – we've been so busy. Well, you know where I am… (pause) Love you." The machine beeped violently. She smiled and looked at the time. She'd call him tomorrow.

* * *

Mark opened the door and smiled when he saw her. He was still in the tracksuit he'd slept in.  
  
"Good morning." She stepped inside, "You feeling better?"  
  
"I am now." He kissed her. She touched his face, quite clearly checking his temperature.  
  
"I'm fine." He insisted. "You had breakfast?"  
  
She shook her head.  
  
"I'll just get changed, we should go out." He headed to the bedroom.

* * *

"She makes me feel old." Mark admitted sitting on his sofa, facing Susan, feet up beside hers in between them. Rachel had just headed off to bed.  
  
"What?" She laughed at him.  
  
"You know anything about trinomials?"  
  
She shook her head.  
  
"Apparently we did them in school but I'm not sure I can spell trinomials."  
  
Susan laughed.  
  
"And I got all the dates for the revolutionary war wrong."  
  
"Good thing you don't need to know them to save lives." She took his hand, silently laughing at him.  
  
"Yeah, I know it's silly. But it's humbling not to be able to help your fourteen-year-old with her homework. Was it really that long ago?"  
  
"Yup. Time to get out our yearbooks and cry over the faded yellow photographs."  
  
He laughed and then it faded to a comfortable silence. They'd had the whole day together, muddling around, getting very little done.  
  
"I don't want to leave." She smiled at him.  
  
"I don't want you to leave. But Rachel's in the next room."  
  
"And there's no hurry, I know. I just…"  
  
"I know. I've wanted this for as long as I can remember. It seems weird to wait now."  
  
"And on that note I should go."

* * *

Susan walked into the lounge and spotted Mark, on the phone but not talking. "What is it about Christmas that brings out the best in people?" She rolled her eyes, relieved her shift was over.  
  
He smiled, "Yeah, I'll pick you up at four, from the station, on Thursday, sure… yeah, okay, merry Christmas. Love you… bye." He hung up. Rachel was with Jenn for Christmas.  
  
"How is she?" Susan asked, facing her open locker.  
  
"Okay, I think her and Jenn have drawn a truce."  
  
Susan shut her locker and turned to him. "You ready to go?"  
  
He nodded and let his eyes linger on her with a smile. "You know what you are?" he wandered toward her.  
  
"What am I?" she closed the gap between them impatiently, slipping her arms around his waist.  
  
"You…" he kissed her forehead, "are like home."  
  
She wasn't sure what he meant but she was touched.  
  
"Even with everything spinning in a whirlwind," he sighed and with a cheeky smile sing-songed, "all I want for Christmas is you."  
  
She laughed and pulled him into a tight embrace. "Let's go home."  
  
"Come to mine." He stepped back and she nodded, following him out the door.

* * *

They sat cross-legged in front of the hearth, roasting from the gas-fire, hypnotized by the flames… amongst other things.  
  
"I got a card from Chloe and Suzie today." Susan put her wine glass back on the coffee table. She'd been wanting to tell him.  
  
"Really?" he was surprised she hadn't said anything earlier.  
  
She nodded without a spark of joy, "Didn't say much, just the usual."  
  
"At least they're okay." He offered.  
  
She tried to smile.  
  
"You miss Suzie don't you." It wasn't really a question. "Why don't you tell me?"  
  
"Doesn't make any difference." She met his eyes, knowing he had a point, waiting for him to make it. So he did:  
  
"I've unloaded all my baggage on you – brain tumour, delinquent teenager, receding hairline."  
  
That got her smile.  
  
"So if you're hurting… I want to be there for you like you are for me."  
  
She smiled, "okay." She whispered. "I just thought, you had enough on your plate, with Rachel and everything. I didn't want to make things more complicated."  
  
"You haven't. You've been perfect. Too perfect." He took a deep breath, his eyes lingering on her face, candlelight dancing across her features charmingly. "You know I'm not going to let you leave tonight…" he kissed the hand he held lightly.  
  
She smiled, "good."  
  
He forced himself not to look into her eyes, getting onto his knees in front of her so he could continue kissing a trail up her arm.  
  
She swallowed, taking a controlled breath, full of anticipation.  
  
He stopped when he faced her, only a few mere inches away but too far by any estimation. "I love you." His voice faltered.  
  
She smiled, "then what are you waiting for?" she teased.  
  
"Permission," he dared her to keep teasing.  
  
She smiled one more time before kissing him. 


	9. UnionStation Episode2: Attack of the Nos...

okay, there's lots of mush that could go in here but there's so much of that in all my stories so I'm going to skip it here and get on with the plot. I'm trying to fit this into season eight: the whole Rachel's an easy pot-head, Mark's a clueless father… all that jazz. Just no evilstepmotherElizabeth and no grossCarterandSusangross! So we're all better off.   
  
Mark and Susan walked into Union Station hand-in-hand. Rachel's train hadn't arrived yet. They checked the timetables and headed for track six. It was cold and they stood close together in silence, knowing the other was thinking of the last time they'd stood there.  
  
Susan turned to him when she couldn't bare it anymore, smiling and acknowledging the awkwardness.  
  
"It was pretty impressive for a first kiss. Very… dramatic." He said  
  
She nodded in agreement but changed the subject nonetheless. "I'm on tonight so maybe you could talk to Rachel about, um… well… the thing is, she's going through a lot, with moving and new school and well, you know. Maybe I shouldn't stay over when she's home. Just to make things less complicated."  
  
"Maybe." He took a deep breath and smiled, "It's ridiculous, but I miss you when I'm not with you and I can't help thinking we've wasted so much time already."  
  
"Yeah, I know."  
  
The train was arriving and drowned their voices.  
  
"I'm on nights this week so it doesn't matter – we'll figure something out." Susan yelled.  
  
Mark laughed and kissed her – something that couldn't be belittled by the train-station-decibels.  
  
"We better find her." He yelled as they pulled apart.  
  
They watched the passengers disembark the train – a remarkable variety of people. Rachel looked older than fourteen with her hair up, carrying her luggage. Mark jogged toward her and Susan followed, walking so as not to intrude on the family-reunion-bit.  
  
Rachel was smiling, hugging her dad. When Susan reached them Rachel hugged her too. Susan smiled at Mark of her shoulder, clearly a little surprised by the enthusiastic reception. Mark was grinning. He had learnt from the best that there was no such thing as a happyfamily but he couldn't help hoping…  
  
He picked up Rachel's suitcase and led them away from the noise of the platform. 


	10. demons, downward spirals and death sente...

warning: it's long, work is slow...

* * *

Rachel answered the door, "Oh, hey Susan, Dad's not home yet."  
  
"Yeah, I know. But I thought we could hang out for a bit before he got home."  
  
Rachel wasn't sure if this was a good idea or not – Dad had been pretty pissed when he'd left that morning. She was grounded for a week but she could handle that as long as she didn't get too many more predictable lectures.  
  
"So, how's school?" Susan poured two hot chocolates and handed Rachel hers.  
  
"Just the normal." Not interested.  
  
"Oh," forget the pretences, "Look, your Dad told me about the smoking thing."  
  
"I knew it. He doesn't trust me, no matter what I do." Rachel sat down dramatically.  
  
Susan gathered her courage and patience and sensitivity and sat down without a clue as to what to say. "I smoke."  
  
Rachel wasn't expecting that.  
  
"Sometimes, when I'm stressed. Look, the thing is…" she sighed, "Is it just cigarettes?"  
  
Rachel nodded.  
  
Susan raised her eyebrows.  
  
"You don't believe me either. I'm not a little kid. Why can't you guys just trust me?" She was rooting for a fight but Susan just sat there.  
  
"Your dad wants to trust you. He's trying. But it's a two way street. When he finds cigarettes after you promised to give it up it's harder for him to believe you next time."  
  
"Yeah, I know."  
  
"So are you hooked?"  
  
"No, I can stop if I want." She whined like a child.  
  
"You don't want this habit, trust me."  
  
"I'm fine."  
  
"Well how about this. I want to quit. For good. But it'll be harder for me because I've taken years to perfect NOT being addicted." She dared Rachel to deny it again, "So how about you check up on me, you know, me make a deal that we have to be honest about how many smokes we have. And then we can work on it. What do you reckon?"  
  
Rachel held Susan's eye contact. She had a point. Rachel had wanted a good dramatic fight, one that she could leave in a whirlwind and slam a door. But maybe this was a good idea.  
  
"Look, I'm just asking you a favour. Your dad doesn't know what it's like but maybe we can help each other out."  
  
"Okay." Rachel relented, "so how many smokes have you had?"  
  
"Today? None. Yesterday, two. What about you?" She didn't want to push too hard.  
  
Rachel sighed, "Okay. One today."  
  
This was going better than Susan had expected. She had to keep trying – she was on a roll. So she opened her bag and pulled out a box, half empty and opened the rubbish bin. She stopped before she dropped them. "I've got a better idea." She turned on the tap and the garbage disposal unit in the sink, dropping one cigarette down.  
  
A smile played on Rachel's lips and she opened her bag, pulling out a box and then one cigarette from the box and held it over the gurgling hole in the sink. "Are you meant to put these down the sink?" she laughed at her own question, dropping the cigarette.  
  
"What are you doing?" Mark appeared at the door and Rachel looked guilty almost by default.  
  
"Defeating a demon." Susan replied, tipping the box upside down over the sink triumphantly and turning to face him. "Figured burning them might be counterproductive."  
  
Rachel laughed through tight lips, glad her box was already empty.  
  
Mark looked confused but he was smiling like it'd be inappropriate to laugh.  
  
"Madness or genius?" he kissed her when Rachel had left.  
  
"Bit of both." She laughed. "I had no idea what the hell I was doing."  
  
"Welcome to parenting."

* * *

Mark woke up and looked at his clock automatically. Three a-m. Why was he awake? He rolled over hoping Susan had stayed. She was sleeping soundly. He could hear the tv on so he pulled himself out of bed, trying not to wake her.   
  
Rachel was watching Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, eating potato chips and peanut butter.  
  
He sat beside her and helped himself to a chip. "This reminds me of when I'd get up at 5:30 in the morning to watch the Smurfs with you."  
  
"You liked the Smurfs?"  
  
"No, you liked the Smurfs – I liked the news. But it's hard to argue with a two-year-old."  
  
He turned to the movie, wondering why it was still on tv, but then again, it was hardly prime time. "We need milk." He headed to the kitchen but spotted Rachel's boots, looking very wet by the front door. "Did you go out?"  
  
"I just went for a walk." She tried to concentrate on the tv and downplay the whole 'you're not meant to go out when you're grounded' bit.  
  
"At three a-m?"  
  
"It's the only time I can." She stood up to have it out well and good.  
  
"Except you can't." he tried to keep a hold on his temper.  
  
"Dad, I just went for a walk. This place is like a flipping prison. I just needed some space." She shot back too defensively.  
  
"With Andy? And your handy-dandy pack of cigarettes?"  
  
"No." she yelled.  
  
"Empty your pockets."  
  
"No way, that's my private stuff."  
  
"Which you don't want me to see because…?"  
  
"There's nothing in my pockets," she tried, clearly grasping at straws.  
  
"Don't lie to me Rachel."  
  
"Fine!" she lost it and pulled out the contents of her pockets. "Drugs, Sex and fing Rock and Roll. I know, I'm ruining your life." She stormed off, slamming her bedroom door, leaving Mark gob smacked, staring at the condoms on the floor in front of him, nicely accompanied by a lighter and a small tell-tale plastic bag.  
  
He only looked away when he felt Susan touch his arm lightly. She reached out to hug him, not knowing what else she could do. He let her.  
  
"Is she serious?"  
  
Susan couldn't answer him. "Come on." She let go but took his hand. "Leave it till tomorrow."  
  
He nodded and followed her back into his bedroom, lying down exhausted but wide awake. "What am I supposed to do?"  
  
Susan looked at him without any answers. "It's not your fault." She shook her head, knowing that it made no difference whose fault this was.

* * *

It was quiet when Rachel woke up. She opened her bedroom door and looked out to check that the coast was clear. Maybe she could take off without seeing anyone. If she could make it to school without another fight then Andy could distract her and tonight she could… she'd figure it out later. She'd come up with a line Dad would buy. She almost wished she'd kept her mouth shut but it had felt so good just to blow up in his face and get it exactly right – she knew he didn't trust her but now he couldn't deny it.  
  
She was surprised to find her things on the floor where she'd thrown them last night. She picked them up and put them in her pockets.  
  
"What's the point?" Susan's quiet voice shocked her.  
  
"Oh, hi, I thought you guys had gone to work."  
  
Susan shook her head. "I know you've been through shit, going from one parent to the other, changing schools, and trying to quit smoking is hardly easy but…"  
  
"You have no idea." Rachel interrupted quietly, burying her hands in her pockets hoping Susan hadn't seen her pick up that stuff.  
  
"Maybe not – my parents aren't divorced but they should be. But that's not the point. Why are you ruining your life?"  
  
"My life is fine! Dad's only worried that I'm going to ruin his life."  
  
"No, he's not." Susan felt her temper rising and took a deep breath. "You're barely fourteen. Give yourself a chance. If you get into this crap it fries your brain and it sucks your money down the drain and if you're not careful it'll kill you."  
  
"I'm fine!"  
  
"Yeah, now. But give it a year or two. I know it's your call and there's nothing I, or your Dad, can do to stop you from doing any of this. You're not a child, so stop acting like one. Having sex does not make you an adult, trust me."  
  
"What? I'm…" Rachel realised argument was fruitless. She tried another approach, "How old were you?"  
  
"Fifteen." Susan answered faster then Rachel was expecting – if she was even expecting an answer, let alone an honest one.  
  
"See – hardly any difference? Plus, I'm careful."  
  
"You think this boy loves you?"  
  
"Well…" Rachel paused to long and she knew it.  
  
"I'm not going to preach at you. But I was an idiot at fourteen and maybe you can learn from my mistakes rather than hurting yourself."  
  
"I have to learn things for myself." She countered well.  
  
Susan just looked at her. "So learn – boys will say anything if they think they've got a chance to have sex." Probably not the best thing to come from Dad's girlfriend.  
  
"Yeah, I know."  
  
Susan realised the conversation was over and looked at the clock. "You better get ready for school. I'll drop you off."  
  
Rachel nodded and headed back to her room wordlessly.

* * *

Mark had been quiet all day – not quite sulking but brewing – and it was driving Susan crazy. She spotted him waiting in the ambulance bay so she pulled her coat around her tighter and joined him. "Nice weather for a picnic."  
  
He smiled and then looked back out into the street.  
  
"Did something happen?"  
  
He sighed and shook his head. "I talked to Jenn this morning."  
  
"And…?"  
  
"She wasn't that shocked."  
  
Susan smiled wryly.  
  
"I was thinking that if this all happened when she came here then she should go back."  
  
"But this didn't just happen since she got here."  
  
Mark nodded. "We could sell her off to pirates."  
  
Susan laughed and put her arm around him, pulling away only when the ambulance pulled up.

* * *

"Are you sending me back to Mum?" Rachel asked, not a little defensively.  
  
"I talked to her this morning but no – you're staying with me."  
  
Rachel seemed to ignore him.  
  
"I've missed too many things in your life to let you leave angry with me. I'm your father, I'm not going to pass you off when things get rough."  
  
"Okay." She said like it was the most obvious thing in the world.  
  
"So can we try again?"  
  
"I don't want to be treated like a kid."  
  
"Okay, but I don't want to be treated like an old man."  
  
"Okay,"  
  
"So we both need to make an effort."  
  
She nodded.  
  
He shook his head with a smile, putting his arm around her protectively.  
  
She resisted for a moment before falling in step beside him.

* * *

[just want to clarify my thinking here – it's the episode where Ella gets an overdose… only no Ella, so those pills would have gone to that party with Rachel… you'll see]

* * *

"The polar bear club?" Mark asked confused.  
  
"Yeah." Susan laughed. "Crazy people who swim in the middle of winter in lakes that aren't quite frozen but pretty damn close."  
  
"I never could figure Romano out – now I know why." He joined in laughing  
  
"So now I'm taking on extra admin stuff – I'm not sure which is worse – helping Kerry out, or possibly selling my soul to the devil, aka. Robert Romano, in a thinly veiled attempt to get one leg over Kerry."  
  
Mark was still laughing at her.  
  
"Yeah, alright, keep laughing. You know I'll pawn some off on you."  
  
He shook his head.  
  
"You'll see." She wandered off to her next patient.

* * *

Susan rested her head on the cupboard, waiting for the coffee to do it's thing.  
  
Abby pushed through the door into the lounge. "Um, you might want to come…"  
  
Susan groaned, "Can anyone else do it?"  
  
"Dr. Green's daughter has come in."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Overdosed."  
  
"Oh my gosh…" she followed Abby back into the ER.  
  
"Trauma one." Abby answered her unspoken question.  
  
Susan stopped at the door. Kerry and Romano were working frantically. Rachel was intubated and they'd just shocked her heart back into action. Mark was standing at the foot of the bed. Susan could only see his back. She pushed through the doors and put one hand on his back, standing beside him. He turned to her for a moment, calmed ever so slightly by her touch and her presence. Everyone else was faceless – just frantic hands pushing one thing, then another into an IV bag, pumping charcoal into her stomach… But effectively they were all just waiting to see if it was too late.  
  
"What was it?" Susan asked no one in particular.  
  
"Ecstasy." Kerry answered  
  
"On purpose?"  
  
Mark shrugged and no one else answered.

* * *

Stable but frighteningly silent and still and pale. Mark was watching her face, perched on a stool by her bed.  
  
"Do you want me to call Jenn?" Susan asked tentatively letting herself silently into the room.  
  
"I'll do it." He stood and walked right past her and out of the room.   
  
Susan sighed and took his post by Rachel's bed. "Come on Rachel. You gotta be okay."  
  
"She's on her way." Mark broke the silence. The room was pregnant with anxiety, waiting…  
  
Susan stood up as he approached, shoulders slouched. She silently wrapped her arms around him and he held onto her for dear life. She rubbed his back, acutely aware it was all she could do in the way of comforting him.  
  
"How's Rachel?" Susan asked as Mark approached her.  
  
He didn't answer her question, "What have we got?" he referred to Susan's patient.  
  
"Ariel is having an allergic reaction to seafood. Why are you down here?"  
  
"I'm on today."  
  
"We've got it covered Mark."  
  
"I'm fine." He snapped and turned back to the patient, ordering tests, "Fifty of Benadryl and 125 of Sol…"  
  
"Solumedrol." Susan finished for him, concerned.  
  
He kept calling for things, ignoring the stark anxiety etched onto her face.  
  
"I've got this Mark." She took charge, nudging him aside and giving him a pointed look. He backed away emotionless and leant on the wall outside, his back to the trauma.   
  
Susan joined him as soon as Ariel was stable. "We're okay down here – you should be with Rachel."  
  
"She's fine." He insisted, "Never brush me aside like that. I'm doing my job and I was fine."  
  
"No you aren't." her tone matched his but hers was in control.  
  
He shoulders dropped as he ran out of fight.  
  
"Mark, where is she?" Came Jenn's familiar voice. She was approaching them frantically. Susan stepped back.   
  
"She's upstairs. She's fine, I'll take you up." Mark walked past Susan.  
  
She watched him go, wishing there was something, anything she could do. Rachel would be fine but this seemed like the last straw for Mark. He was so tired and… no it couldn't be anything else. He was just tired. And fair enough.

* * *

"You let her go to a party with drugs?" Jenn demanded when they were alone in the elevator.  
  
"Of course not! I was at work. She was home, in bed as far as I was concerned."  
  
"So you let her sneak out."  
  
"Yeah, I know, I'm a hopeless father. She got to Chicago before you realised she was missing."  
  
"But she wasn't overdosing on ecstasy!" Jenn countered.  
  
Mark was about to yell back but his jaw spasmed and he bit his toungue. He yelped with the pain and put his hand to his mouth.  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"I'm fine." He mumbled. "She's…" he pointed down the hall.  
  
Jenn nodded and left him there. He got back in the lift and hit the ground floor button, frustrated.  
  
Susan spotted him and followed him to the drug lock up.  
  
He turned to her, frustrated tears pricking the back of his eyes.  
  
She lifted her hand to his face, "Let me check it."  
  
He stuck his tongue out to the right.  
  
"Stick it out straight."  
  
"I did." He said sadly quiet.  
  
"Keep applying pressure." Susan tried to ignore that this could be a recurrence.  
  
He nodded and walked past her, headed to the mens room.  
  
She leant back on the wall of the drug lockup and exhaled, worried.

* * *

Mark looked into the mirror like it might hold some answers. He tried all the usual suspects – testing his symptoms. Everything was normal. Except his tongue.  
  
He took a deep breath and turned on the tap, splashing water on his face and trying again. No change.  
  
He pulled a couple of paper towels out of the holder and banged his head on it in frustration. Everything was just going SO GREAT!

* * *

"Cranial nerves two to eleven are intact." Susan put the tiny torch back on the tray beside her and sat on the bed beside him.   
  
"But not twelve." Mark finished for her.  
  
"It's an isolated dysfunction of the right hypoglossal nerve."  
  
"It's recurrence." He replied flatly.  
  
"Mark, you can't be sure." She took a deep breath. "Get an MRI if your worried – it might just be tiredness… or stress? Or even swelling from the treatments."  
  
He shook his head ever so slightly.  
  
Malik came in, "Doctor Green, they need you in trauma two."  
  
Mark got up and Susan followed once she'd regained her composure.  
  
She walked into the trauma. Mark was having a go at the patient's father for putting his kid in the front seat of the car.  
  
"Lewis, can you assist?" Luka interrupted.  
  
"Yeah, Mark, go check on Rachel, we've got this one."  
  
Mark walked straight out wishing the door would slam behind him rather than swing silently.

* * *

"Hey." Susan whispered before approaching him in the dim hospital room.  
  
He turned to face her, "Hey." He whispered, "You finished?" she nodded and walked over to him.  
  
"How is she?"  
  
He nodded, "She's doing better. She woke up before. She's just sleeping."  
  
"You should do the same." She put her hand on his shoulder. When he didn't look at her she knelt down in front of him. "You don't have to be alone in this." She touched his face lightly.  
  
He wasn't sure if she meant the Rachel thing or the PossibleRecurrenceOfBrainTumour thing. But either way, he needed her. He met her eyes. She could see the ache he hadn't been able to kick all day.  
  
"Jenn checked into a hotel but I don't want to go anywhere in case she… wakes up."  
  
Susan nodded and pulled him into an embrace. She wanted to ask him about the MRI but he had enough on his plate.  
  
"I got the MRI." He whispered, letting her go.  
  
He caught his eyes, desperate for an answer, "and…?"  
  
"I don't know yet. I'll probably have to go to New York and see Burke again…" he sighed.  
  
She held his eyes and nodded, trying to be reassuring but it was no use.  
  
He touched her cheek softly. "Thank you for being here. You don't know how… I've been a jerk all day, I don't deserve you, but here you are." He smiled slightly – impressive under the circumstances.  
  
"You haven't been a jerk – you've been through so much… I just wish I could do something."  
  
"You have," he whispered, pulling her close to him again. Clinging to her like she was the only tangible thing in the world, "Thank you."  
  
"I love you." She whispered in the darkness.  
  
He pulled her tighter to him as the tears finally came.  
  
"I'll stay up with her if you'll go get some sleep." Susan suggested when he eventually pulled back leaving a damp patch on her shoulder.  
  
"Susan you just pulled a double."  
  
"And you've just pulled a double with a family member in trauma amongst other things."  
  
He relented with a sigh, "Okay. But if she wakes, or anything…"  
  
"I'll come get you." She nodded. 


	11. solace in darkness

bring on the agony…

* * *

Susan let herself in quietly. She'd all but officially moved in with Mark and Rachel. Tonight she wasn't sure. Mark had taken Rachel home half way through her shift. They'd both be exhausted and probably asleep.  
  
She didn't turn the lights on. She felt the wall and the door frame, the bench, the cupboards, the sink… she drank a cool glass of water in the darkness.  
  
"Hey." Mark whispered from the doorway, giving her a fright.  
  
She smiled, "hey."  
  
He turned on the light.  
  
"How is she?" Susan put her glass in the sink walked over to him.  
  
He nodded, "I just hope this was enough to get the message through."  
  
Susan offered a wry smile and reached out to hug him. She'd needed that all day. So had he.  
  
"Thank you for coming tonight." He whispered into her hair.  
  
"I thought you'd be asleep by now."  
  
"I went to bed straight after dinner, I've already had my usual six hours, or whatever."  
  
She smiled up at him.  
  
"But you must be exhausted." He brushed her hair back off her face.  
  
She nodded and reached up to kiss him. "I've missed you this week."  
  
"You've been here every day."  
  
"Yeah, but you've been a long way away… just distracted. When are you going to New York?"  
  
"Next weekend." He turned off the light, "Come on, you're exhausted."  
  
He followed her to the bedroom and waited while she got ready for bed. "Are you okay?" he only lay down when she did.  
  
She rolled on her side to face him. "I'm okay." She took a deep breath. "Do you want me to go with you?"  
  
"To New York?"  
  
She nodded.  
  
He lay back on his back, still looking at her, and smiled. He touched her face fondly and kissed her. Then he answered her question with a bashful nod.  
  
"Okay." Her voice faltered and she lowered her head to rest on his shoulder, wrapping one arm around his chest. She felt him kiss her forehead as she slipped into much-needed sleep. 


	12. news

Susan pretended to look at a magazine. She'd turned pages blindly and she was half way through, looking up at the closed door with every other page. She looked up again as the door opened. She put the magazine on a table, her every movement tentatively controlled. She was struggling not to shake as she stood up. The doctor shook Mark's hand and headed back into his office.  
  
Mark turned to face her and smiled slightly – entirely for her sake. He didn't want her to fear the worst, even if that was entirely reasonable.  
  
She waited for him to come to her. He was the one with news. She would wait for him to tell her whatever he needed to tell her.  
  
He took a deep breath and walked toward her reaching into a hug that he needed more than oxygen. What was he supposed to say? There were no words that would make this easier on either of them. There was no good way to say this. But he needed to tell her. He stood up straight, still resting his hands on her hips.  
  
"Let's walk." She took one of his hands and they headed out of the waiting room. They took the elevator in silence.  
  
Outside, they headed for the taxi stand. She knew it was bad news from his stalling.  
  
He pulled her hand and stopped walking. "Susan."  
  
She stopped walking and turned to him, looking up at his face. She smiled slightly… sadly…  
  
He knew she'd figured it out and he smiled back, so glad he wasn't alone here… so glad she was there, that she understood. "He said… five months." He took a deep breath.  
  
Her expression didn't change at first – as though she hadn't heard him. She swallowed and took a deep breath then kissed him. It was a promise. What kind of promise? He wasn't sure, but she'd promised him something with that kiss.  
  
"Let's go home." He whispered taking her hand.  
  
She nodded and held his hand with both her own.

* * *

"Hi!" Rachel sing-songed, letting herself into the apartment.  
  
"Hey." Susan headed to meet her, "Your dad's taking a nap."  
  
"Oh, when did you guys get back?" she knew there was good or bad news she was about to receive and she wasn't ready for it.  
  
"Just a couple of hours ago. How was school?"  
  
Rachel shrugged and headed to the kitchen.  
  
Susan followed and sat at the breakfast bar, watching her, waiting for her inevitable question.  
  
"So, what did the doctor in New York say?"  
  
And there it was. Susan had given the bad news hundreds of times. It didn't make this any easier. "Um," she looked down and took a deep breath before meeting Rachel's eyes again, "The tumour is back."  
  
Rachel nodded, "Is there anything they can do?"  
  
"Sort of," she didn't want to scare her unnecessarily, "but it doesn't look good."  
  
Rachel's shoulders fell. "Oh." She understood. She didn't need the numbers, the prognosis, any of that. She met Susan's eyes boldly, only now recognizing the red stains under them.  
  
Susan stood up. "I'm just gonna check on him."  
  
"I'll do it." Rachel headed to the door but stopped. "Are you okay?"  
  
Susan wasn't expecting that. She nodded speechless but totally unconvincing. 


	13. faith, hope and love

"Dad, you need to get up. You've got work in an hour." Rachel sat on the side of his bed.  
  
Mark groaned and rolled onto his back, forcing his eyes open. "Yeah, I know."  
  
"Your toast is getting cold." She stood up. "Can I get a ride to school?"   
  
"Sure." He sat up. "Where's Susan?"  
  
"Work." Rachel yelled back.  
  
Mark forced himself out of bed and padded through to the kitchen, the floor cold under his bare feet. "So you're all set to stay at Rebecca's tonight?"  
  
"Yep."  
  
"I just need her phone number and then you're free."  
  
"It's by the phone. And Susan has it too, just in case… are you sure you should be working a double shift?"  
  
He was surprised at her attentiveness and it was clear on his face. "I'll be fine. Are you ready to go?"  
  
"No, but neither are you." She looked at his pajamas.  
  
"Give me five minutes." He went back to his room.  
  
"What about your toast?"  
  
"I'm not hungry."

* * *

"Hey is Susan still here?" Mark stopped at admittance.  
  
"She's hiding out, trying to sleep in exam three." Jing Mei said absentmindedly.  
  
"Thanks." He turned away.  
  
"She's just done a double, John said to let her sleep."  
  
Mark ignored her and let himself into the dark exam room.  
  
He smiled, looking at her face, and brushed a blonde strand of hair off her face.  
  
She opened her eyes slightly and smiled when she saw him.  
  
"Hey sleepy." He cocked his head to one side.  
  
"Hey." She sat up and kissed him. It was meant to be a quick kiss but it didn't go as planned.  
  
"Good morning to you too." He smiled cheekily when she pulled away.  
  
"Oh, I love you." She breathed, holding his face in her hands.  
  
"This was definitely worth coming in early for."  
  
"What's the time?"  
  
"Quarter to seven."  
  
"I'm off in fifteen minutes." She rubbed her tired eyes.  
  
"You must be shattered."  
  
"I'll be fine. What are you doing here – other than visiting me?"  
  
"I'm working." He said, like it was the most obvious thing.  
  
"But isn't your surgery at one?"  
  
He nodded, "I finish early."  
  
"Mark…"  
  
"I'll be fine."  
  
"I'll come see you after."  
  
"No, you need to go home to sleep." He ran his hands back through her hair.  
  
"I'll sleep, then I'll come back." She kissed him again and got off the bed, rearranging her clothes, trying to look something like presentable.  
  
He stood by the door and waited for her.  
  
"What?" she questioned his stare.  
  
"You're so beautiful."  
  
"Seduce me at home." She grinned.  
  
"I might not be up to it tonight." He touched her face.  
  
She reached up into a tight embrace, full of the knowledge that she might not be able to do that in the near future.  
  
"I'll be fine. It's not dangerous surgery."  
  
"I know." She pulled back and opened the door. He walked out into the hall and she followed. "I'll see you this afternoon."  
  
He nodded. "Thank you."  
  
She looked confused but brushed it off and backed away, "Don't work too hard."

* * *

Susan looked through the window. Mark was still talking to a white coat. She leant against the wall beside the door and waited. When the white coat exited she went in.  
  
Mark pulled his shirt on.  
  
"How you feeling?"  
  
"Side effects haven't kicked in quite yet." He turned to her – not wanting her to fuss about him. "I'm supposed to be down in the ER for a couple more hours."  
  
"Are you serious?"  
  
"I'm fine, really."  
  
"They don't need you." She shook her head.  
  
"Oh, that's good for my ego."  
  
"Your ego will be fine too. I'm taking you home." She passed him his coat from where it was hung over a chair.  
  
"I warned you before, I might not be up to seducing you tonight."  
  
She laughed silently but her humour turned to heartfelt concern. "You shouldn't be working today."  
  
"It's okay, I'll go home."   
  
She knew he wasn't feeling good – he never gave in that quickly. 


	14. the greatest of these

"Starve a cold, feed a tumour." Mark pulled up the covers, his head sinking luxuriously into the pillows as Susan walked in with a laden tray.  
  
"You should try to eat something."  
  
"I'm just gonna sleep."  
  
She put the tray down on his bedside table and sat beside him. "Mark…"  
  
He forced his eyes open and edged over, resting his head on her chest. "I love you."  
  
She couldn't speak. Seeing him like this was too much. She stroked his head and kissed it, biting back tears. His breathing deepened as he relaxed into her. She held him softly, fondly, carefully, adoringly and all too sadly. She couldn't mourn him – she shouldn't. But in some way she was preparing herself for the worst.  
  
Mark could feel her chest rising and falling rhythmically under his head. Her heart was thumping away, perfectly peaceful. He lifted himself tentatively and lay back down beside her, watching her face. She was smiling.  
  
He grinned, watching her smile. She'd been so quiet lately – keeping her sorrow to herself as best she could, but it was still clear to him. Now in sleep, she could forget sorrow. He knew he was the cause of her sorrow. But right then she was smiling… and maybe he was the cause of her joy too.  
  
She turned her head to face him. "What are you doing?"  
  
"Just watching you."  
  
"How are you feeling?"  
  
"I'm fine. What were you dreaming?" he smiled sleepily while he spoke softly.  
  
She looked back at the ceiling, took a deep breath and tried to remember. "Children, playing." She smiled, "They asked me to their tea party. There was a girl and she was a year or two older than her brother." She shut her eyes to remember her dream, "Alice… and the boy was called Mark."  
  
"Was it me?"  
  
She shook her head and rolled on her side to face him.  
  
He swallowed and looked into her eyes, "Were they our kids?"  
  
She took a moment before she nodded.  
  
"Was I there?"  
  
She smiled, "You were watching. Just watching." She stroked the back of her hand up his chest and touched his chin with her fingertips. "I love you."  
  
"I know, weird huh?"  
  
She laughed and kissed him. "Not really."  
  
"The mind boggles."  
  
"No."  
  
"God, you're beautiful."  
  
"You're delusional." She was quietly but outright laughing at him.  
  
"I'm fine."  
  
"You've had several hundred beams of radiation zapped into your brain. That ought to do it."  
  
"Lets hope so." He didn't mean to turn serious. He was enjoying this light flirty banter. They'd been too serious lately. Considering how much he loved her smile and her laugh he hadn't been eliciting either a hell of a lot. But what they were both thinking slipped out.  
  
"Yeah." She looked at his chest then nestled into him like a frightened child.  
  
Mark broke the pensive silence that ensued. "You were happy in your dream?"  
  
"Of course." She spoke into his chest.  
  
"You want to have kids?"  
  
She knew he was very serious so she pulled back to look at him when she answered, "Yeah… do you?"  
  
He smiled, "As long as they get your hair."  
  
She smiled for his sake but he could see her heart wasn't in it.  
  
"What if I'm not around?"  
  
She took a deep controlled breath before she spoke. "Yeah." She smiled and nodded, "Yeah."  
  
He looked at her awestruck. "Are you sure?"  
  
"This is hardly the kind of thing I'd joke about."  
  
"I know, but it's kind of huge."  
  
She took another deep breath and found his hand under the covers, "I feel like I've missed so much. I had no idea what I walked away from five years ago, but now… it might be walking away from me and I can't let it go."  
  
"You might not have a choice."  
  
She held his eyes like a lifeline. "I know." She lifted his hand to her lips, holding it fondly in both her hands. "I want to marry you and have a family and grow old with you." She swallowed, "I'll take whatever I can get."  
  
He gathered her to him, "What did I do to deserve you?"  
  
She was crying and smiling all at once.  
  
"I wish I could make you happy."  
  
"You have." She hugged him tightly. "I am happy."  
  
"Susan, you're crying."  
  
"I just don't want it to end."  
  
"I know."  
  
"I know." She grinned and pulled out of his tight embrace to kiss him. 


	15. its always worse at night

Susan pulled herself out of warm surrealty. Mark had got up. Again. She wanted to go to him. Her body **really didn't** but she forced her arms and legs out of the warm sheets and walked across their dark room towards the light under the door. She pushed it open silently.  
  
He was on his knees, leaning over the toilet. He took several deep breaths and sat back on the floor, leaning back against the wall. He didn't look up.  
  
She sat beside him and put both arms around him, desperate to give him comfort. He leant into her, finally crying. Exhausted sobs wracking his body as his tears soaked her night shirt.  
  
She rubbed circles on his back and held his head to her chest, letting her silent tears cool his hot head.

* * *

"You got it?" Susan watched Rachel juggle three overloaded grocery bags.  
  
"Yeah." Rachel was laughing at Susan who was also juggling too many bags and trying to get her keys out of her pocket. "Wait, I'll get it."  
  
Susan stepped away from the door and Rachel swung her hip to hit the door with a thud.  
  
Now Susan was laughing. "He might be sleeping."  
  
"Not when he finds out you bought boysenberries."  
  
"Shh, he'll hear you." Susan had got the key and was trying to balance the bags on one side of her body to unlock the door. Then she dropped the keys.  
  
Rachel laughed at her and precariously crouched down to pick them up while Susan leant back on the door in defeat.  
  
Then the door swung open and Susan stumbled backwards, into the warm apartment and Mark's unsuspecting embrace.  
  
"Hi." He laughed.  
  
She found her balance put the groceries down. "Hey." She touched his face softly and kissed his cheek, aware Rachel was close by, "Have you eaten?"  
  
"Not really." He followed them to the kitchen lethargically.  
  
"Just wait till you see what Susan got." Rachel headed to her bedroom to escape being roped into helping prepare dinner.  
  
Mark smiled, watching her go then turned back to Susan. "Thank you."  
  
"What for?" She busied herself putting away the groceries.  
  
"For… oh, I don't know. You're so good with her. I wish…"  
  
She stopped and looked at him, waiting for the end of that sentence.  
  
"Nothing." He smiled, "So what did you get?"  
  
She flashed him a wicked grin and hid the bag behind her back.  
  
He cornered her, unable to take his eyes off the smile that seemed to light up the room. He didn't care what was in the bag. He only wanted to kiss her. But he changed his mind (considering he'd spent the greater part of day in frightening vicinity to a toilet) and whispered, "God, you're beautiful."  
  
To that she smiled softly and hugged him.

She loosened her grasp and looked at him, the docter in her trying to assess him with her eyes, "How was your day?"  
  
"Oh, you know, I must be overflowing a sewer somewhere."  
  
She touched his face softly, concern and desperate comfort flooding her eyes. "I guess it means the chemo is working."  
  
"Unless I ate bad seafood."  
  
She smiled and pulled him in for another embrace.  
  
"So, what did you get me?"  
  
"Well, I hope your stomach can handle it."  
  
"As long as you don't mind seeing before and after pictures?"  
  
She laughed deprecatingly and handed him the bag.  
  
He held her eyes while he opened it and pulled out a punnet of fresh boysenberries. "Where… did you find boysenberries?"  
  
"That would be telling." She whispered, grinning and pleased by his reaction.  
  
"It would." He kissed her almost chastely.


	16. signed, sealed, delivered

"Gah!" he slammed his locker door shut. Then he opened and slammed it again.  
  
"I think it's shut." Susan had entered the lounge silently behind him.  
  
He turned around with a sigh and leaned on the locker. He looked defeated.  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"I just want to keep doing what I've always done."  
  
She just looked at him, waiting for the coming explanation or rant… whichever came first.  
  
"I dropped an intubation tube because I couldn't make my thumb wrap around it."  
  
She tried not to look concerned – it could be the treatment. It could be the tumour getting worse…  
  
"Who am I kidding?" he shook his head.  
  
"You just want to keep doing what you've always done – that's to be expected."  
  
He shook his head, "It's not going to make any difference."  
  
She stepped closer inadvertently. It sounded like he was giving up.  
  
"If I don't have long then maybe I should just…" he couldn't say it. If he said it then it was real.  
  
"Mark, are you talking about leaving County or do you mean…?" now it was her turn to stumble on the end of her sentence. "Please don't give up." Her eyes were the epitome of desperation.  
  
He let his eyes linger on her and smiled. "I don't know. What would you do with the last six months of your life? I'm either on the bathroom floor or here." He looked down at the floor – the mangy carpet clearly a low priority in the hospital budget.  
  
Susan crossed the room and stood in front of him. "What do you want to do?"  
  
He looked up and met her eyes, "I'm thinking about quitting chemo. We could go away… I don't know. I just don't know." He was shaking his head.  
  
"It still might work. We see miracles all the time."  
  
"I should have been dead a year ago."  
  
"But you're not." She almost yelled then looked down apologetically. "I can't ask anything of you. It's your decision. Just think what you've got to live for."  
  
The lounge door swung open. "We've got gunshot victims. ETA… now."  
  
Mark and Susan turned to the bearer of the bad news. Mark pushed himself off the locker he was leaning on and headed for the door.  
  
Susan followed but he stopped before he left. "What?" she touched his shoulder.  
  
He turned slightly, "You better go. I'm off trauma."  
  
Susan nodded, knowing what a blow that was to someone who until recently defined competence. She held her eyes as long as she could as she backed out of the room.

* * *

The pace of the ER died down again. Traumas were stabilized and sent up to surgery. Triage was under control – even quiet. Susan looked around. Mark was nowhere to be seen. She took a deep breath, "I'm taking a break." She said to no one in particular in admittance and headed outside.

She could see her breath in the early evening air.  
  
"Hey." Carter smiled up at her from his seat.  
  
She smiled and sat beside him. "What are you doing out here? It's freezing."  
  
"I could ask you the same question."  
  
She nodded once in appreciation.  
  
"Fresh air. Silence. Something right?"  
  
She smiled again, "Yeah."  
  
"Is he going to be okay?"  
  
She looked at him and shrugged ever so slightly, her head shaking 'no'.  
  
Carter looked at her for a moment and took a deep breath. "Are you okay?"  
  
She nodded automatically but unconvincingly. He was still looking at her so she met his eyes and shook her head 'no'. Tilting her head back she looked at the darkening sky through the fog of her breath.  
  
"You should go somewhere – find a spot of paradise. There's more to life than the job right? I mean he saves lives everyday. Now it's his turn."  
  
"But I can't save him."  
  
"I don't know? I think you did."  
  
She smiled, "You should write for hallmark Carter."  
  
"Sorry." He smiled. "If there's anything I can do…?"  
  
She smiled but knew it was redundant.  
  
"He's lucky to have you." He watched her hoping for a reaction. She was looking at the ground. He put his arm around her shoulder and she tiredly leant toward him.  
  
"There's nothing I can do." Her words almost blended into the silence they were so soft.  
  
Carter looked up and found Mark standing in the doorway watching them.  
  
Mark gave Carter a small smile. He lacked the energy to be jealous.  
  
Carter dropped his arm and got up, walking back into the ER.  
  
Susan stood up, "How are you feeling?"  
  
"Are you okay?" he ignored her question.  
  
She sighed, fidgeting. "I was never going to find it easy to let you go." She shook her head, "I just can't say good bye. I can't bear to keep on going like nothing has changed." She stopped and took another deep breath. "Oncology called. They're saving a bed for you."  
  
He nodded slowly. "I don't want to watch the clock – to sit there and be prodded and small-talked by doctors and nurses. I don't want people to look at me like I'm already gone. If I'm going to die I can't do it that way."  
  
"I know. And I can't ask you to on the off chance that the chemo works… and I'm not going to."  
  
"But?" he knew there was more – something else she wanted to say.  
  
She took another deep, controlled breath, "It might just be stress, I'm not sure, but I'm waiting on the results of a test. Um… I'm a couple of weeks late."  
  
"You mean…?"  
  
She nodded. "Maybe."  
  
He smiled, watching her face, needing to know how she felt about this revelation. She'd said she wanted to have a child – even if worse came to worst and he wasn't going to be around for long. But now that she might be pregnant… well the rubber hit the road and there was a chance she might not feel the same as she had before.  
  
After a moment that seemed to last a week, she smiled, her eyes lingering over his face but inevitably falling back into his eyes. "I didn't tell you just so you'd stick with the chemo."  
  
He smiled, "and I'm not sticking to the chemo just because you might be pregnant."  
  
"You're sticking to chemo?"  
  
He nodded and ran cold fingers from her forehead down the side of her face to her chin. "I've already missed too much with you."  
  
"You sure about this?"  
  
He nodded like it was a done deal – signed, sealed and delivered. "But I am leaving work."  
  
"I knew that." She admitted softly. She kissed him hard on the mouth then hugged him tight. Exhaling, she whispered, "I love you."  
  
He held her desperately, unable to imagine anything more healing than her and praying that this would do the trick.


	17. chasing shadows

Susan stepped out the elevator and bee-lined for admittance. The place was virtually deserted. "Where's Mark?"  
  
Carter spun around idly on his chair, "You just missed him."  
  
"Oh." She couldn't hide the disappointment in her voice.  
  
"He's not coming back is he?" Carter watched her face, trying to figure out exactly what was going on. He knew Mark's condition was serious and most likely fatal. But no one was spelling anything out.  
  
"No. But he will be right upstairs."  
  
Carter nodded. "Look, why don't you go home. This place is dead quiet."  
  
"That's quite the insensitive metaphor for an ER." She smiled at him, "But I'll stay." She headed to the lounge and the privacy it gave her to use a phone.  
  
Six rings later… "Hi, you've reached Mark, Rachel and Susan. You know what to do."  
  
Tone.  
  
"Hey. I guess you're not home yet. Um, just call me when you get this. Okay… Love you. Bye." She hung up and headed back to admittance.  
  
"Carter, give me someone to fix."  
  
He looked at her puzzled, "You're sounding remarkably chipper."  
  
"I don't think this is quite 'chipper'." She flicked through the charts.  
  
"Under these circumstances it is."  
  
"Just give me something to do."

* * *

Mark pressed the flashing red button as he let himself fall back into the sinking couch.  
  
"Hey, I guess you're not home yet. Um, just call me when you get this. Okay… Love you. Bye."  
  
He smiled and summed up the energy to reach over and pick up the portable phone, dialling the number almost automatically. "Hey, can I speak to Susan Lewis?"  
  
"Um, hold on." Haleh asked someone else where she was then came back to the phone, "Dr. Greene is that you?"  
  
"Yeah, hi, Haleh."  
  
"Yeah, she's asleep in five but…"  
  
"No, don't wake her. Um… oh, just let her know I called. She was trying to get hold of me, so…"  
  
"I'll tell her."  
  
"Thanks Haleh."

* * *

Susan heard her watch alarm ring. Then she realised it was in her dream. Then she realised she was dreaming and her watch alarm was sounding in the real world.  
  
She forced weary eyes open and pulled herself off the bed with dramatic yawn.  
  
Pushing the exam room door open she blinked in the fluorescent lights and headed for admittance, still yawning.  
  
"You look like you're ready to go home."  
  
"Yep." She nodded once and signed a couple of dotted lines Chuny thrust in front of her.  
  
"Oh, Mark called." Chuny yelled back as she headed to the drug lock up.  
  
"Oh. Thanks." Susan picked up the phone. She still had an hour to go but rules went that if the night shift was slow then the day shift got slammed and it just wasn't fair to leave them extra stuff. It really did suck being a decent person sometimes, she rubbed her head waiting for Mark to pick up. Answer machine again.  
  
"Hey, I guess we're playing phone tag. But, I'm off in an hour, so I'll just talk to you when I get home. Hope you're okay." She thought for a moment then hung up. It was six am. He was probably, and justifiably, asleep. And so was Rachel.  
  
Carter came up beside her as she hung up the phone with a sigh, closely chased by another yawn. "Only one hour to go."  
  
"Yeah, seems like a lot longer doesn't it?" she leant on the desk  
  
"It certainly does. Look. You should go. You're exhausted and you're gonna need all the energy you can muster in the next little while… so you should go. I'll cover you."  
  
She hesitated for a moment. "Thanks Carter." She headed for the lounge and was soon out the door.

* * *

"Have you got hold of her?" Carter asked Chuny, exiting exam one with a sigh.  
  
"No. I'm still trying." She pressed redial… again. Then the phone picked up.  
  
"Hello?" Susan was breathing heavily. She'd run to get the phone when she realised Mark wasn't there.  
  
"Oh, Hey. Is that Dr. Lewis?"  
  
"Yeah." She tried to calm her breathing.  
  
"It's Chuny. Mark came in about half an hour ago."  
  
"Oh. Why? He's not on today"  
  
"He collapsed. His daughter called the ambulance. He's okay, but…"  
  
"Oh my... I'll be right there." She threw the phone in the general direction of the hanger and flew out the door.

* * *

"Where is he?"  
  
Chuny looked up from triage and stood when she saw Susan. "He's in trauma 3."  
  
Susan turned and forced herself NOT to run.  
  
Carter came out of exam three as she approached. "Susan."  
  
She went to walk past him but he stopped her.  
  
"Wait. He's okay." Carter started to rifle off a list of details about Mark's condition. Susan listened but was preoccupied watching Rachel sitting at Mark's bedside, holding his hand.  
  
Susan looked at Carter pointedly and he stepped aside. 


	18. to be honest

  
  
Rachel turned to face her as she walked in. Standing up she hesitated a moment before stepping into an embrace.  
  
Susan was taken back for a moment. Rachel was clinging to her. She stroked the girl's hair breathing heavily as her eyes wandered to Mark's pale face, surrounded by familiar but hauntingly foretelling machinery.  
  
"Is he going to be okay?" Rachel stepped back, trying to look unaffected.  
  
Susan smiled at her, unable to answer her question and went to Mark's bedside. "What happened?" she willed her voice not to break. Not yet. Later, when no one was watching.  
  
"I found him on the bathroom floor. I just panicked and called the ambulance. They took ages and I rolled him on his side cause he was vomiting but he looks so..." she looked so shocked, so shaken.  
  
"You probably saved his life." Susan looked at Rachel soberly, "Are you okay?"  
  
Rachel nodded. "Is he?" she touched his shoulder lightly.  
  
"I don't know." Susan shook her head. "At this stage a doctor can't promise you anything. I mean, if the chemo is really successful he might get six months, maybe a year. But there's no certainty. I mean, there are cases of miracles. And then there are people who live for years longer than they expected. But…" she exhaled, here eyes watery, lingering over Mark's face, down his chest, his hand in hers… "You just don't know. We shouldn't get our hopes up."  
  
"But you do. Don't you."  
  
Susan nodded.  
  
"I'm glad you're here." Rachel spoke softly, her eyes glued to Mark's face, willing his eyes open, or any sign of life.  
  
Susan smiled but her face was soon clouded with sadness again.  
  
"So why didn't you guys get married years ago?" Rachel tried to lighten the atmosphere a bit.  
  
Susan just looked confused, "Um…"  
  
"Like, when you lived here before?"  
  
"We weren't… I mean," she took a deep breath.  
  
"So you didn't steal him from mum?"  
  
Susan almost laughed out loud. "No. You're dad is as faithful as they come."  
  
"But you loved him right? So why did you leave?"  
  
"Lots of reasons. But you're right. I should have stayed and married him years ago." Her brow furrowed but her eyes strayed back to Mark again.  
  
Rachel's tone stopped teasing. It was no use. This wasn't going to be light in any scenario. "I'm glad you came back."  
  
Susan smiled slightly, "Yeah, what can I say, I love him."  
  
Rachel watched Susan's face – watching, waiting for Mark to wake. Then she looked at her dad, "Me too."  
  
"You should tell him. When he wakes up."  
  
"He knows."  
  
"It doesn't matter."  
  
Rachel hesitated then nodded.  
  
"I'm going to get some coffee, you want anything?" Susan stifled a yawn.  
  
"Sure, just a soda." Rachel watched her go and turned back to her dad.

* * *

Mark opened his eyes groggily. Rachel smiled at him, whispering, "Hi Dad."   
  
"Hey…" he smiled, "What… what happened?"  
  
"You fainted, but it's okay."  
  
He nodded, confused and exhausted. "When?"  
  
"A while ago, at home."  
  
"Did Susan…?"  
  
"No, the ambulance came – but I can go get her if you want." She stepped away from the bed but he still held her hand so she leant over him again. "I love you dad."  
  
He smiled, tears in his eyes. "I love you too Rachel."  
  
"I'll be right back." She backed out, smiling.  
  
"Here you go." Susan handed her a cold soda can.  
  
"He's awake." Rachel took it and followed Susan rushing back into the room.  
  
"Mark?" she stroked his forehead and he forced his eyes open again.  
  
"Hey." He smiled.  
  
She grinned, her eyes brimming. Eventually she found her voice. "How do you feel?"  
  
"Oh, pretty crap. Yourself?"  
  
She shook her head and cupped his cheek with her hand. "I feel like I've been trying to find you for days."  
  
"Sorry. I don't know what happened."  
  
"You lost your balance and have a rather impressive welt on the back of your head from a collision with the bath tub."  
  
He groaned and touched his head with weary fingertips, finding the bruise and wincing. "Are you working?" he sounded confused.  
  
"No, I'd just got home when Chuny called."  
  
"You must be exhausted."  
  
She shook her head and yawned in perfect unison  
  
"What's the time?" Mark asked, still a little disoriented.  
  
"Eight…" she looked at her watch, "twenty."  
  
"You should be at school." He looked at Rachel, his eyes and throat foggy with exhaustion and medication.  
  
"I want to stay here."  
  
Susan looked at her, "I'll take you and pick you up – there's nothing you can do here – you might as well keep busy – time will go faster."  
  
Rachel didn't really answer, she looked back at her father, his eyes closed again.  
  
"Come on." Susan nudged softly leading her from the room.

"Wait, Susan." Mark lifted his hand but missed grabbing her arm.

"Yeah."

"Get some sleep."

She nodded and smiled at him reassuringly. "I'll see you soon."


	19. motherhood

"Hey Mark." Carter had been checking stats for a while before Mark opened his eyes.  
  
"Carter." Mark's voice was croaky, his eyes heavy.  
  
"How are you feeling?"  
  
"I'm fine." He blinked, trying to wake up, "What was it? Minor concussion? Terminal brain tumour? Something's out to do my head in, it seems."  
  
Carter smiled at Mark's weak attempt to joke. "A consult came down from oncology earlier. They're holding a bed for you." Carter took a deep breath before he spoke and Mark knew what was coming. "We want to keep you overnight for observation. But they offered to take you now."  
  
Mark nodded.  
  
"You sure?"  
  
Mark nodded again. "Is Susan here?"

"Yeah, she's sleeping in four, do you want me to get her?"

"No, she needs to sleep, but can you tell her when she wakes?"  
  
"Yeah," he nodded, "Sure. I'll call oncology." Carter backed soberly out of the room.

* * *

The room was dark when he opened his eyes. There were yellow lines framing the door and white lines framing the curtains. He realised someone was holding his hand and turned his head to the side. Susan was asleep in the chair by his bed, holding his hand and using her arm for a pillow.  
  
He pried his hand from hers and stroked her hair.  
  
She rubbed her face and looked up, catching his hand and kissing it. "Hey you."  
  
He smiled at her adoringly and she lifted herself from the seat to kiss him.  
  
"How are you feeling?"  
  
"I'm fine. How are you?"  
  
"Tired." She grinned, "I have to go soon." She found her watch and discovered the time: two pm. "Rachel finishes at three right?"  
  
He nodded and followed her gaze to their intertwined fingers. There was an IV in his arm. No surprise there. He looked up at the bags hanging at his bedside. He couldn't read the labels without his glasses.  
  
"I wish I could do this for you." She sighed, stroking the back of his hand, "I wish I could trade places and save you from all of this."  
  
He smiled at her and shook his head, "It would hurt me more to watch you go through this."  
  
"So maybe I'm just being selfish." She leant on his bedside, "I love you so…" she shook her head, willing the tears to disappear, "so much."  
  
He lifted himself up to kiss her.  
  
She was drawn in but forced herself to pull back. She needed to talk to him and she didn't have long before she had to pick up Rachel. "Mark," she hesitated then smiled slightly at the thought of what she was about to reveal, "I'm pregnant."  
  
His eyes opened and a grin soon spread itself across his face. "You sure?" he forced his voice not to give away his excitement.  
  
She nodded, "Six weeks."  
  
"Susan!" he found some strength and sat up, pulling her into an excited embrace. "Oh my…" he seemed to lose his breath, pulling out of the embrace to see her face. She was smiling now, tears freely rolling down her face.  
  
"That's why I was trying to get hold of you yesterday."  
  
He kissed her again. And he didn't let her back out.  
  
She got up on the bed beside him, suddenly desperate to be near him.  
  
They stopped, half undressed, facing each other on the tiny bed. "We should have done this before." He kissed her again.  
  
"We have been… for a while."  
  
"But not here."  
  
"Yeah, well exam three is so high school." She grinned cheekily. He kissed her again trying to shut her up, "The men's restroom on the other hand." He stopped her before she could say anything more.

* * *

Rachel spotted her dad's car coming up the road toward school. She pulled her satchel up onto her shoulder. "See you guys later." She turned to her friends as she walked away.  
  
One of the guys jogged after her, "You gonna be okay?"  
  
She stopped walking and nodded, albeit a little sadly.  
  
He cupped her cheek in one hand and kissed her lightly, "I'm here if you need me."  
  
She just nodded and backed away.  
  
"Sorry I'm late," Susan hit the indicator as Rachel got in.  
  
"It's okay. Dad's always bang on time and but I don't mind."  
  
Susan pulled out from the curb, "Yeah, I lost track of time." She almost laughed to herself… excuses, excuses… Oh, don't think about it, you'll go beetroot red and invoke suspicion.  
  
"How's he doing?"  
  
"He's okay, he's woken up a bit."  
  
"So he's staying at the hospital?"  
  
"Um…" Susan sighed, "he was going to go in just a few days anyway. Chemotherapy is really intense and at a certain point people generally stay in hospital."  
  
"Oh." Rachel tried to reciprocate Susan's reassuring smile.  
  
"He'll come home for a couple of days occasionally, if he's up to it." 

No response.

"So, how was school?"  
  
Rachel smiled, eyebrows raised teasingly, "You practising for when you become my wicked stepmother?"  
  
Susan grinned, "Actually I was just trying to talk about something less morbid."  
  
"And you picked school?"  
  
"Okay, fair enough. What about that guy?"  
  
"Which guy?" She almost sounded as innocent and ignorant as she was aiming for.  
  
"The one who kissed you just a few meters from the car – hardly subtle?"  
  
"Oh, Andy?"  
  
"So that's Andy?" She nodded in appraisal. "You like him?"  
  
"Sure." Rachel was hardly forthcoming but Susan just waited for her to speak, easily distracted by neurotic traffic. "He's pretty cool. Not a total moron like most guys."  
  
"That's a start."  
  
"Yeah. I guess they're all hopeless at some level."  
  
"Who isn't? But don't worry, about half of them grow up. The other half get married two years out of high school before their equally moronic girlfriends realise they're morons."  
  
Rachel laughed.  
  
"You laugh now, but consider yourself warned."  
  
"You look pretty happy." Rachel pointed out.  
  
Susan wasn't expecting that. "Well – yeah. I am. But… well I've been through a few morons and a few more decent guys, which can be worse. Plus, I pined after this one for five years so I can't take him for granted and sabotage it that way."  
  
Rachel smiled at her: ranting but clearly ecstatic, which stood out like a sore thumb under the circumstances.

* * *

Susan let herself collapse on the couch as soon as she got inside.  
  
"You okay?" Rachel followed her into the lounge after she'd shut and locked the front door.  
  
"Yeah, just exhausted."  
  
Rachel pottered around, getting into her pyjamas, downing a glass of milk, half a cheese sandwich, the rest of which took up permanent residence on the coffee table…   
  
"You're going to sleep there aren't you?" she sat down by Susan's feet.  
  
"Oh, probably. But I'll regret it in the morning."  
  
"You working?"  
  
Susan nodded and lifted her upper body as though she'd get up but she fell back into the cushions dramatically groaning. "Seven o'clock."  
  
Rachel took her hand, "Come on." She pulled her up and dragged her playfully to her bed.  
  
Susan pulled up the covers, her head sinking into the pillow.  
  
"You sure you're okay?" Rachel sat on the mattress beside her. "Are you worried about Dad?"  
  
Susan smiled and took a deep breath. "Yeah, but above and beyond all that it's been a very eventful couple of days."  
  
"You mean, with Dad fainting and stuff."  
  
"Yeah, and, oh, just decisions and revelations – like it was his last day at work – only he didn't really tell anyone, and he only decided to keep going with chemo a couple of days ago… all this waiting and not knowing what's going to happen – or knowing and hoping you're wrong… it's exhausting."  
  
"I don't really understand it so… but why wouldn't he keep going with the chemo?"  
  
"It's not really a cure – I mean at this stage. A lot of people prefer not to stay in hospital till they die – they travel or jump out of airplanes, or… do all sorts of crazy last minute things they've always wanted to do."  
  
"Oh." She thought for a bit, lying down beside Susan, "Maybe, if he's going to die, it would be better not to be in hospital."  
  
Susan nodded, "But he knows what he's in for. He didn't decide this lightly." She took a deep breath, "And even if it only postpones death I think he wants to be around because…" Just say it, Mark wants her to know, just say it, "I'm pregnant."  
  
Rachel sat up a bit, "Really?"  
  
"Yeah, I found out yesterday."  
  
Rachel took a moment to take it in, a smile spreading over her face, "Oh my gosh."  
  
"Yeah." Susan almost laughed, "You're gonna have a little sibling to look after and pick on."  
  
"That's so cool." She laughed, "I guess that's why you're so tired."  
  
Susan let her eyes fall shut, a smile on her face, fading into exhaustion. "You can sleep in here if you like, keep me company." 


	20. the night shift

"Hi Susan." Kerry approached admittance followed by a gust of cold wind – winter wasn't gone for good... not quite yet.  
  
"Hi." Susan didn't look up from the chart she was studying but Kerry wouldn't give up.  
  
"You on tonight?"  
  
"No, I consider this a social occasion, a privilege." Susan retorted dryly, "What is bark-ticer… what?"  
  
Kerry looked over her shoulder, "Bronchitis. I'll take it."  
  
"No, I got it." Susan headed to exam one.  
  
Kerry followed, "I wanted to take the opportunity to speak with you some time tonight."  
  
Susan busied herself listening to the patient's lungs, "deep breath… you can lie back down now." She wrapped her stethoscope back around her neck and headed back to admittance, giving a drug order to a Lydia before turning back to Kerry. "I'm all yours."  
  
Kerry smiled and headed for the lounge, clearly expecting Susan to follow her.   
  
She took a deep breath and did but went straight to the coffee machine, nine hours to sunrise and counting. She was wondering how long she'd get to sleep – maybe she could sneak off and sit with Mark for a while…  
  
"I just wanted to see how you were doing, and ah…"  
  
"Better now." She smiled, holding up her coffee then taking an appreciative sip.  
  
Kerry smiled, "I know this is a pretty rough time and I just wanted to let you know that if you need to take any time off then there wouldn't be a problem."  
  
Susan put her coffee down. It was too hot anyway. "Thank you."  
  
"How's he doing?"  
  
Susan nodded, "As well as can be expected?"  
  
"Miracles happen."  
  
"Yeah. Actually, I needed to speak to you anyway. I'm, ah… pregnant." She raised her eyebrows and smiled.  
  
"Congratulations." Kerry grinned (well… something like a grin… can she grin? Oh, sure, everyone can grin… right?)  
  
"Well, the thing is, I was before – you may have seen my records, but, I didn't reach full term so I'm going to need to cut back my hours – just in precaution."  
  
"Yeah, absolutely. No, take whatever you need."  
  
Susan smiled, "I don't need to right away. I don't want to leave you in the lurch – I mean, we're short staffed as it is, I just thought I should let you know, sooner rather than later."  
  
"Oh, yeah, well thank you. And just let me know if there's anything I can do… for either of you." Kerry said sincerely.  
  
Susan nodded as Kerry headed for the door. "Thanks."  
  
Kerry smiled and nodded, "We're pretty quiet – if you want to go up and see him."  
  
Susan nodded, "Yeah, I was thinking of it."  
  
Kerry nodded again and left her to her thoughts about how well that went. There wasn't a sparkling history between them but they'd made peace for Mark's sake before and they'd do it again.  
  
Susan finished her coffee and headed back to admittance. "Where do you need me?"  
  
"Right here – Rachel Greene called." Chuny handed her the phone.  
  
Susan dialled the number, "Did she say what about?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
"Hello, Jenn here."  
  
"Oh, hi Jenn. It's Susan here, um…" awkward, why is Jenn at Mark's??? "Rachel called before,"  
  
"Oh, right, I'll just get her." Susan could hear Jenn telling Rachel who was on the phone.  
  
"Hi Susan." Rachel answered chirpily.   
  
"Hey, how's it going?" Susan asked, leaning back on the counter and turning away from her audience.  
  
"Alright. I, um, just thought you should know that Mum's here."  
  
"Yeah, I heard. Are you okay?"  
  
"Oh, yeah, I'm fine. I told her about dad and so she came up. She's staying at a hotel… yeah it's okay, mum, I can tell her." Rachel sighed audibly, "Sorry. Look the thing is, well she doesn't like that I'm here on my own and she wants me to stay with her at the hotel."  
  
"Oh." Susan's voice fell. She really didn't have the energy to come up against Jenn. "Well, you should probably just go tonight and if you like I can talk to her when she visits Mark."  
  
"Yeah, we're gonna come in tomorrow morning. Are you on then?"  
  
"No, but I can stay."  
  
"Okay. Say hi to Dad for me." Rachel said goodbye and hung up the phone.  
  
Susan did the same and avoided everyone's eyes watching her, curiously waiting for an explanation, "Page me if you need me."   
  
"Oh, we will." Kerry teased and tactlessly commanded everyone to get back to work while Susan headed for the elevators.

* * *

Was that my pager? Susan pulled the black box off her waist band without opening her eyes – no – it wasn't going off. She forced her eyes open and checked the time. Four am. She was doing well. Six hours sleep during a night shift was a rare luxury.  
  
She looked over at Mark, partly relieved to see him sleeping peacefully, partly wishing he was awake.  
  
She missed him.  
  
He was stirring in his sleep, pawing at the covers. She put a cool hand to his forehead and he visibly calmed for a moment. He was warm but nothing alarming.  
  
"Mark," she whispered, running her hand down his face, "Shh, Mark, it's okay."  
  
He finally opened his eyes, evidently relieved to see her there. "Hey… you visiting? What time is it?" he mumbled confusedly.  
  
"It's okay, I'm on the night shift. It's pretty quiet down there."  
  
"Careful, you'll jinx it."  
  
She smiled, "Are you okay?"  
  
"Yeah, I was just dreaming. Shouldn't you try and get some sleep?"  
  
"Why, am I keeping you awake?"  
  
He nodded teasingly. "But you're better than the dream."  
  
"Well you looked pretty scared in the dream so…"  
  
"I guess it's the drugs. But you're this beautiful even when I'm in my right mind. A man's got to have something stable to hold on to. You'll do." He grinned playfully.  
  
"I'll do?"  
  
He nodded. "So, is Rachel home by herself tonight?"  
  
Susan took a deep breath, "Actually, Jenn's come up to see you."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"So Rachel's staying at the hotel with her tonight."  
  
"When did she fly in?"  
  
"Today I think – I just spoke to Rachel on the phone – I didn't know she was coming."  
  
Mark took a deep breath, clearly shaken by this news, "She knows I'm here?"  
  
Susan nodded, "Rachel told her."  
  
"I guess that's for the best." He looked at the ceiling resignedly.  
  
"Will she want to take Rachel back?" Susan asked tentatively.  
  
He held her eyes thoughtfully, "I don't know."  
  
"I guess she's got school and I'm working and with you in here – it's hardly the perfect situation." Susan pointed out the obvious, "But…"  
  
Mark took a deep breath, "I've already missed too much."  
  
"Maybe Jenn will understand… if you talk to her."  
  
"Maybe."  
  
"They're coming in tomorrow."  
  
"Are you working?"  
  
Susan shook her head, "No, but I can be here. I could take Rachel if you wanted to…"  
  
He nodded, not really looking forward to the inevitable interview with his ex wife.  
  
"She'll understand." Susan tried to reassure him. "And if not I'll take her out back and beat the…" that got his smile.  
  
"The things you do for me eh?"  
  
Susan laughed.  
  
"So I was thinking…"  
  
"You were?"  
  
"Yes." He smiled, "I was thinking, we have to decide on a name."  
  
Susan grinned, "But it's too early to know the sex."  
  
"Yes, but we can brainstorm. I mean as long as we're both awake in the middle of the night. I don't want to go back to sleep in case I start dreaming again and you're dreading a page…"  
  
"Okay, what names do you like?" Susan took his hand and played with his fingers while he thought, "How about… Alice?"  
  
Susan smiled. He was remembering her dream… "Alice was the name Dix and I had picked out."  
  
"Oh." His face was downcast and confused.  
  
"It was just a dream Mark. I doesn't mean anything."  
  
"So you're not a fan of Mark Junior?" he tried to sound unaffected.  
  
"Two Marks is too confusing." She swallowed, all too aware that their might not be two Marks at all.  
  
He smiled and stroked her face, wishing he could take the sorrow from her eyes with a kiss. "How about Matthew."  
  
"Matthew Greene?" she tried it out and smiled. The smile stayed in her eyes though her mouth relaxed thoughtfully. She nodded, the smile returning softly to her lips.  
  
"I like that." He drew her in for a kiss. "Can you stay for a while?"  
  
She nodded, "Unless they page me."  
  
"Come sleep up here with me." He shuffled over on the tiny bed.  
  
She grinned at him and kicked off her shoes.  
  
"Plenty of room." He pulled her close beside him and threw the sheets and blankets back over her as she wrapped her legs around his. He lay back and kissed her hair, "Good night. Sleep tight." 


	21. teaser

She assumed she was dreaming. Sleeping in Mark's arms for a whole night, feeling that relaxed, that perfectly warm, safe… She opened her eyes softly and smiled, seeing his face, set so peacefully on the pillow. But they weren't at home in bed. They used about the same amount of room in their bed at home but this wasn't home. She tried to move as little as possible, checking her watch, eight am.  
  
Then she remembered she was working. Or had been until an hour ago. She leaned out of his embrace and got her pager from where she'd left it on the chair. No pages. That's odd. She should probably go down and sign out but moving was totally out of the question. She slipped her arms back under the blankets and around his chest, pulling herself closer again.  
  
"Good morning." He whispered groggily.  
  
"I'm sleeping." She nestled her head beneath his chin.  
  
"Good." He kissed her hair and let his eyes fall shut again.

* * *

Susan jumped when her pager went off, waking Mark with remarkable talent and almost falling out of bed. "Oh, sorry." She laughed at herself and reached over to get at the pager… again. It was the ER. What? They don't page me all night – when I am on – but they page me now – when I'm not…  
  
She climbed out of bed and tucked the sheets back around Mark before using the phone by his bed. "Yeah, hi, it's Dr Lewis here. Someone paged me?"  
  
"Oh, um…" Jerry clearly didn't know what she was wanted for. "Anyone page Dr Lewis?"  
  
"I hope not." She could hear Kerry in the background and had to smile.  
  
"Oh, yeah, Dr Greene's wife and daughter were here." Someone else added.

"Are they here now?" Jerry sounded annoyed that he had to ask the obvious, clearly having reached his daily word quotient... or was the his daily work quotient...?

"I'll check chairs." Kerry again.  
  
"Jerry?" Susan called him back to the phone. "If you find them can you tell them Mark's room number and send them up?" Mark had sat up behind her and slipped his arms around her, pulling her back into bad.  
  
"Sure thing Dr Lewis."  
  
"Thanks." She hung up and laughed, turning in Mark's arms and kissing him just as Jenn and Rachel walked in.


	22. family matters

Rachel was first through the door and cleared her throat, half laughing.  
  
"Oh, Sorry." Jenn backed out the door.   
  
Susan grinned cheekily and stepped away from the bed while Mark was still deciding if he wanted to look embarrassed or frustrated.  
  
"I, ah, better…" Susan mumbled.  
  
Rachel was just laughing at them. She turned back to the door, "Mum," she sing-songed out into the hallway.  
  
Jenn appeared sheepishly. "Hi."  
  
"Hi Jenn." Mark sat up, smoothing the covers, trying to look vaguely respectable.  
  
"Hi." Susan smiled then looked at Rachel as if to say, "HELP!"  
  
"How you feeling Dad?" Rachel perched on the side of his bed.  
  
"Not too bad." He smiled. "How was the hotel?"  
  
"So flash." Rachel grinned.  
  
Jenn inched closer.  
  
Susan knew that Jenn and Mark needed to talk – Jenn probably wanted to make her peace or something equally cringe-worthy, but more importantly they needed to agree about where Rachel was staying – for the moment at least – and maybe decide where Rachel would stay if Mark died… She's probably have to go back to Jenn. Susan sighed and called herself back to reality, "Rachel, do you want to get some breakfast?"  
  
"Sure." Rachel jumped off the side of the bed and followed Susan out the door.  
  
"Nice timing." Susan grinned when they were out of earshot.  
  
"I thought so." Rachel laughed.

* * *

Jenn was clearly shaken. "I'm so sorry." He knew she wasn't just trying to absolve her guilt but he wasn't going to give in.  
  
"I want her to stay here."  
  
"Are you sure that's a good idea – I mean, seeing you like this, and Susan…"  
  
"Susan wants her to stay as well, but even if she didn't… I've missed too much. Give me this." His voice was steady and sure.  
  
Jenn nodded, relenting, then asked, "Has she been better since…?"  
  
He nodded.  
  
"Well that's something I guess."  
  
He took a deep breath. "I put some money aside for her college fees and… and for her wedding."  
  
"Mark…"  
  
"No, I want to do this."  
  
Jenn nodded. "So it's for real this time?"  
  
He nodded and took a deep breath, "And after I'm gone…"  
  
"Don't do this now."  
  
"I might not get another chance, just let me say this."  
  
She relented.  
  
"After I'm gone, if she wants to see Susan, or…" so much for coherent sentences, "well, she's pregnant."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Susan, not Rachel."  
  
"Oh."  
  
He almost laughed, but realised that would be inappropriate.  
  
"Oh. Congratulations." Jenn was clearly surprised.  
  
"Thanks." Mark allowed himself an irrepressible grin. "I just want Rachel to know her brother… or sister."  
  
Jenn smiled, then nodded, "of course."  
  
"Thank you."  
  
She took a deep breath as a knock came at the door. They both turned to see who came in.   
  
Rachel then Susan. "Hi." They said in unison.  
  
"Hey." Jenn said soberly.  
  
"So, am I staying?" Rachel sat down in the chair by his bed.  
  
"Yes." Mark turned to her, "For the moment, you can stay here – as long as you want to?"  
  
"Yeah, I do." Rachel nodded seriously then smiled at him.  
  
"Okay." Jenn looked at them – father and daughter, like a sentimental photograph. She couldn't help but smile. "I'm going to go." She stood up and pulled her bag over her shoulder.  
  
"Thank you." Mark met her eyes sincerely.  
  
She shook her head and escaped the happy family she felt she was intruding on.  
  
"That went well." Susan sat on the edge of Mark's bed when Jenn had left.  
  
Mark nodded and took Susan's hand. "Thank God." He sighed, "So, how was breakfast… and where's mine?"  
  
Susan smiled. "Hospital food not up to scratch?"  
  
"I just can't keep it down." He couldn't keep anything down but he had a remarkably good humour about it.  
  
"I'll get you a drink or something." Rachel offered, getting up.  
  
"Anything but soda." He smiled as she took off.  
  
"You okay?" Susan asked when Rachel had gone.  
  
He nodded, "I'm relieved. I mean, Rachel may not need me, but I think I need her."  
  
"She needs you." Susan nodded and shuffled closer, taking his hand in both her own.  
  
He looked up at her, sinking back into the pillows, exhausted already. She amazed him again. And again. "You're incredible." He whispered hoarsely.  
  
She smiled and stood, "You should rest." She leant over to kiss his forehead as his eyes fell shut.  
  
"Stay till I'm asleep." He mumbled, taking the hand that hovered at his cheek.  
  
"Okay." She whispered, her voice almost failing when she recognized how weak he was getting. 


	23. come what may

It was a great end to a good week. No promises, but a positive MRI and he was home for three days. Susan took Kerry's offer and bailed for the weekend.  
  
Mark barely looked sick, sitting in the passenger seat beside her, in his own clothes, fiddling with a cassette tape. "What?" he asked when she kept looking at him.  
  
She shook her head and turned back to the road as he flicked the cassette into the tape player. It was Rachel's Moulin Rouge soundtrack. Come What May.  
  
A few lines into it and Susan had to keep her eyes on the road because if she looked at him she'd be in tears and blur her vision and have to stop driving and she knew how he hated to see her sad…  
  
"Can we take a detour?" He asked, knowing full well she'd not turn him down.  
  
"Sure, where are we going?" her breathing was controlled as she spoke softly.  
  
He gave her a few directions at a time till they turned down a narrow road, lined on either side with cherry trees in full glorious blossom. She forgot the song and smiled, "That's beautiful."  
  
He grinned at her, "it's the next road on the right."  
  
She got there and it dawned on her, "I've been here before. This is Carter's family fortune right?"  
  
He nodded, "straight up the drive."  
  
"Why are we visiting Carter?"  
  
"Patience is still a virtue." He teased.  
  
"So I'm supposed to just drive up to the front door? In this? I mean, no offence to your car." She teased him back.  
  
"Oh, that hurts." He pointed ahead and she spotted a few people standing at the door apparently waiting for them.  
  
She parked the car and they both got out.   
  
"What's going on?" she took his hand but he was looking at the people…  
  
She turned to see who it was… Abby, Luka, Carol… what? Carol?  
  
She looked at Mark confused… surprised. Then turned back to them, "Carol." She laughed pulling her friend into a rough embrace.  
  
"You feeling undervalued?" Abby asked Luka who was just grinning, watching Susan's confusion.  
  
"Hey stranger." Carol was grinning then remembered the task ahead and took Susan's hand, "Come on, we've got work to do."  
  
"What's going on?" Susan looked back at Mark again, then at the others.  
  
"You didn't ask her yet?" Abby asked.  
  
"Ask me what?" Susan asked as Carol dropped her hand, stepping back while Mark stepped forward, catching Susan's eyes and her breath with one awestruck bashful smile.  
  
"Marry me." He barely breathed.  
  
She was smiling and trying to figure out what was going on and…  
  
"Oh, come on, at least get down on one knee."  
  
"Doug?" she turned from Mark for a moment.  
  
Doug came up to her, kissed her on the cheek and went to Carol's side, whispering something in his wife's ear.  
  
Susan turned back to Mark, who was still waiting for his answer.  
  
"You only have to love me for the rest of my life." He took both her hands.  
  
For a moment she couldn't bear to look in his eyes. Then she did and forgot about trying not to cry. "I'll love you for the rest of mine."  
  
He kissed her softly, with joy and promise.  
  
"Yeah, alright, plenty of time for that later." Abby said, touched by the honest display.  
  
Mark grinned and let the girls drag Susan away.  
  
Doug sidled up to him, "You okay."   
  
Mark nodded then looked at him. "I got my last wish."  
  
Doug could feel tears pricking the back of his eyes. "Come on, lets get you ready."

* * *

"You bought me a wedding dress?" Susan looked at it incredulously.  
  
"Not quite." Abby grinned, "It's mine."  
  
"Is there something you're hiding?"  
  
"Ha, no." Abby pulled the veil off the side of the mirror, "I was married before."  
  
Susan grinned, "That bodes well. This is incredible. How did he organise all this?"  
  
"Just you wait." Carol came into the room, followed by her daughters.  
  
Susan's eyes lit up.  
  
"We have flower girls." Carol introduced the girls to Susan and Abby then disappeared to get them ready.   
  
Abby set about helping Susan with hair and make up. And they were almost done when a knock came at the door.  
  
Abby and Susan turned as Chloe came in, dressed to the nines.  
  
Susan's mouth opened in surprise and she stood, crossing room to hug her sister, "You're here."  
  
"Yeah. And I've brought a third flower girl."  
  
"Suzie?" Susan crouched down as her niece ran into her arms. This was too much.  
  
"You look beautiful sis." Chloe touched the dress appreciatively.  
  
Susan shook her head grinning profusely, "I can't believe this."

* * *

Carol came back in with the twins, all three in formal dresses. "Hey." She smiled at the crowd and at Susan's bewildered awe. "The third bridesmaid has just arrived. I'm just going to go up and get her so she doesn't get lost in this ridiculous house."  
  
"Up?" Susan asked as Carol disappeared.  
  
"John picked her up in a helicopter." Abby informed them, amused by the lavish degree he'd gone to for this.  
  
"Carter?"  
  
"No, John Wayne." Abby pulled her back to finish her makeup.  
  
Another knock came at the door only minutes later.  
  
"You ready yet?" This time a man's voice.  
  
Susan turned expecting another surprise.  
  
"Not quite." Chloe called back and he didn't come in.  
  
Susan laughed. "This is insane."  
  
"Yeah, marrying the man you love. Totally moronic." Abby said dryly, "There you go, all done." She stepped out of the way so Susan could see in the mirror.  
  
She looked for a moment and took a couple of deep breaths.  
  
"You can come in Dad." Chloe called and watched Susan's face expectantly.  
  
Susan laughed and shook her head.  
  
"You look beautiful." Her dad kissed her on the cheek.  
  
"How did he pull this off?" She asked of no one in particular as they headed for the hallway.  
  
"He asked my permission." Her dad's expression could only be described as chuffed.   
  
Susan laughed again.  
  
"Right, are we ready to go?" Abby asked, laughing with her. "We have, three flower girls, count 'em."  
  
"One, two, three." Chloe grinned, closely followed by Suzie and the Ross twins.  
  
"And three bridesmaids." Carol said, following Rachel toward them.  
  
"Hey Susan." Rachel grinned and hugged her enthusiastically.  
  
"You'll crush the dresses." Abby scolded playfully. "Three bridesmaid's, count 'em."  
  
Carol pointed to Chloe, Rachel then herself, "One, two three."  
  
"One father of the bride."  
  
"Check."  
  
"And one bride?"  
  
"Present." Susan joined in the game.  
  
"Right, shall we?" Abby led the way… down the grand staircase, out into the back garden.  
  
There were cherry blossoms everywhere. And the jovial voices of a small crowd hidden by a forest of cherry trees and box hedges.  
  
She stopped walking and turned to the party. "Right, Chloe, you're first, then Suzie, then Rachel, then the twins, Susan and finally Carol. Comprende?"  
  
"Comprende." Chloe was the only one who replied but Susan just laughed.  
  
Her laugh gave away their arrival and the voices on the other side of the hedge dulled.  
  
Carol looked at her and whispered, "You ready?"  
  
Susan nodded as Chloe disappeared around the corner. And Doug started singing.  
  
"No more talk of darkness."   
  
Carol was trying not to laugh, knowing what was coming.  
  
"Forget these wide eyed fears, I'm here, nothing will harm you, my words will warm and calm you. Let me be your freedom…"  
  
They could hear a few sporadic giggles from the audience.  
  
"Let daylight dry your tears. I'm here, with you, beside you, to guard you and to guide you."  
  
Abby prompted Susan to finally follow Carol around the corner as Carter joined Doug on the platform at the other end of the aisle.  
  
"Say you love me every waking moment. Turn my head with talk of summertime." He grinned at Doug with more cheese than a greasy pizza, "Say you need me with you now and always. Promise me that all you say is true. Love me that's all I ask of you." He looked straight past Susan down the aisle at Abby but only a few heads turned and noticed. Most of them were pinned to Susan, virtually floating down the path, or Mark, standing on the side at the far end, watching her with tears spilling over onto his cheeks.  
  
Doug picked up the line, "Let me be your shelter. Let me be your light, you're safe. No one will find you. Your fears are far behind you."  
  
"All I want is freedom. A world with no more night. And you. Always beside me, to hold me and to hide me." Carter's attention was back on Susan and Mark… for the moment. (just a nod to carbys, there had to be one. Plus I watched 'the letter' today and they're almost bearable)  
  
"Then say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime. Let me lead you from your solitude." Doug held one hand out to Carol dramatically, then turned back to Carter, "Say you need me with you here, beside you. Anywhere you go, let me go too… that's all I ask of you."  
  
Carter was almost cracking up, trying to hold Doug's ridiculous glare, "Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime. Say the word and I will follow you."  
  
Susan stopped beside Mark and her father took a seat as Carter and Doug joined together for the crescendo, "Share each day with me, each night, each morning." Thankfully, they'd turned back to the audience.  
  
"Say you love me."  
  
"You know I do." Doug fell to his knees between Susan and Mark, who looked at him, gracious and amused. "Love me."  
  
Carter joined him, and they both finished with huge grins, "That's all I ask of you."  
  
The audience stood and clapped.  
  
Susan was grinning, looking at Mark, totally overwhelmed.

* * *

The service was short and light. Except for the 'in sickness and in health', closely followed by, 'till death do us part.' It seemed to hang in the air. Well… until he kissed her; a clear resolution to a passion that had already survived so much.  
  
Everyone clapped again and they parted smiling profusely, not so willing to let go.  
  
Carter and Doug jumped up and took the stage again, "Anywhere you go, let ME………" not quite breaking glass but everyone was grateful they were outside, "go too…… Love me. That's all I ask of you."  
  
Susan was laughing again, wiping tears from her cheeks, only momentarily wondering if she'd worn waterproof mascara.  
  
"You look incredible." Mark leant closer, speaking softly above her ear.  
  
"**You** are incredible... This is…" she shook her head in something like disbelief.  
  
"It's for you." He stopped at the end of the aisle and turned to her.  
  
She ignored their audience and reached up to kiss him again, inciting yet another round of applause, closely followed by Doug exclaiming, "Damn, I'm hungry."  
  
Mark laughed at him as Carter lead the way to a light lunch spread that would be hard to beat.

* * *

"Right! Best Man's speech." Doug must have taken the microphone in his back pocket, Mark almost cringed.  
  
"Oh no." Susan was glowing and clearly not at all concerned.  
  
"Na, we sang instead. You've been through enough." Carter stole the microphone from him. "But…" he crossed the room to Carol, "A word from our sponsor." He handed her the microphone and stepped out of the limelight.  
  
"Thank you." she grinned, "I love you both so much. So I'm going to spare you a long speech and give Carter a fiver for taking this from my husband." She got a laugh, "But I know that everyone here loves you both like I do. They might not have been seeing this coming for quite so long… but anyway, someone once told me you should marry your best friend. So I did." Everyone was grinning – they'd all seen that saga, "And these two… you two, have been the best of friends – an inspiration," she feigned eloquence, "it's a privilege to see this… this dedication, between two people so devoted to one another, and so generous to everyone they meet. I have been blessed by both of you. And I know I'm only one of more than I can count." She found her glass on the table beside her and lifted it, "So, I only hope that you'll be equally blessed by us, or God, or whoever…" she wasn't sure if she was finished but the only other thing she wanted to say would end the speech with sorrow and there was already too much of that. So she lifted her glass and put down the microphone.  
  
"Thank you." Susan hugged her while Mark went for the microphone.  
  
"You have." He spoke, a little incoherently. "You have blessed us." He hadn't thought of anything to say so he ended bashfully, "thank you. All of you." 


	24. bewitched, bothered, bewildered am i

"It was so cool. This helicopter lands on the field, right in front of everyone." Rachel laughed between mouthfuls of bite-sized sushi.  
  
"Trust Carter." Susan grinned.  
  
"He gets out in this million dollar suit, looking totally disoriented. I knew he was coming but he had no idea where I'd be."  
  
Susan shook her head, "How long have they been planning this?"  
  
"I've had a lot of time on my hands." Mark had crept up behind her.  
  
She turned to him, grinning and shaking her head incredulously.  
  
He leant in and kissed her lightly then whispered in her ear, "You ready to go?"  
  
"Where are we going?"  
  
Rachel had backed away, headed for the dance floor – a mosaic-like pavement surrounded by fairy lights and accompanied by a three-piece jazz band, a subtle backing track and Haleh's sultry singing voice.  
  
"Well," Mark turned her to face the house, "We have an entire wing of this house to ourselves. But if you'd prefer there's a helicopter on the roof."  
  
"Here is fine." She grinned. He knew all too well about her fear of flying.  
  
"Can I dance with the bride just one more time?"  
  
"One of many more times." She took his offered hand.  
  
"I fell in love with you the first time I looked into them there eyes." Haleh sauntered away, Billy Holiday style as Mark led her to the dance floor. "And you have a certain little cute way of flirtin' with them there eyes."  
  
Doug danced toward them with one of his daughters in his arms. "Congratulations." He looked at Mark then Susan, "You look beautiful."  
  
"I'm fallin', no stallin', in a great big way for you. My heart is jumpin' you started something, with them there eyes."  
  
"Thanks." Mark teased and spun her around, pulling her back to him, watching her eyes sparkle and laugh in the late afternoon sun.  
  
Doug laughed, "Sorry Mark, I've already sang to one man today."  
  
Mark laughed. "Can I dance with my wife?"  
  
"Oh, yeah, sorry mate." He spun away, his daughter laughing at his playfulness.  
  
"Trade you." Carol approached him with their other daughter."  
  
"Sure." Doug passed her the girl on his arm and went to take the one on hers'.  
  
"No, I want to trade with her." Carol put the girls down and took his hands.  
  
"Oh." Doug turned to the girls, "Excuse us." He winked at them and dragged Carol back into the throng of dancers.  
  
Haleh had moved onto 'The Way You Look Tonight'.  
  
"Come on." Susan pulled him to the side and lifted a loose string of fairy lights for them to duck under. They detoured around the party, only vaguely lost in the darkening forest of blossoms.   
  
Susan shivered – it was a summer dress and the promise of spring wasn't that warm yet. "Well, I suppose if we are lost we'll have to keep warm the old-fashioned way." She laughed as he slipped his jacket over her shoulders. "You sure you're not cold?"  
  
"I'm fine. Come on. It's got to be this way." They headed toward a lamp light that rendered every tree in front of them silhouetted. "I hope we get there soon or I won't have enough energy to lift you over the threshold."  
  
"That wasn't the old-fashioned method I had in mind." She stopped as the trees cleared in front of them and the house came into view. "There we go. So which wing is ours?"  
  
"The west one."  
  
"Which is helpful to two people as navigationally challenged as us."  
  
Mark laughed and headed for the only doorway in sight.  
  
She followed after a moment, an immovable smile on her lips.  
  
A few meters down the hall Mark started knocking on doors. No replies. "Now we're lost." He turned to her, a grin gracing his lips as his eyes lingered on hers.  
  
"I don't care." She shrugged and reached up, touching his face lightly, swallowing the emotion welling in her throat.  
  
Mark tore his eyes away, "I wonder what these rooms are?"  
  
She followed his eyes and resolutely walked over to the closest door, opening it boldly. She felt on the wall to her left and found a light switch. Mark looked over her shoulder. They were in a long closet with a door at the far end.  
  
"Huh." Mark looked perplexed, "That's not what I had in mind."  
  
She laughed and headed for the next door. They were in the kitchen.  
  
One of the staff spotted them after a moment, "Did you run out of champagne?"  
  
"Ah, no." Mark cleared his throat, "We're looking for the west wing."  
  
"Oh, well I can show you there, if you like."  
  
"Thanks." Susan smiled and took Mark's hand. This was a ridiculous amount of wealth – house that warranted more than one wing, and she had a feeling that this was the usual number of staff.  
  
After a quick tour they were left alone in a grand bedroom – high ceiling, lavish curtains, a giant four poster bed with screeds of fabric gathered around the top.  
  
"Wow." Susan looked around, almost afraid to touch anything.  
  
"You should see the tub." He opened the door to the en suite. "Oh, and your suitcase is on the window seat. I hope I got everything you need."  
  
She nodded silently, not in the least concerned and walked past him into the bathroom.  
  
He followed her, watching her reactions with pleasure.  
  
"I don't imagine I'm going to need a lot of whatever's in that suitcase." She grinned, "Would you like a bath?"  
  
"Only if you'd like the company." He leaned past her and turned on the spa bath. He stood up again to find her eyes magnetically searching his with an intoxicating adoration verging on desperation.  
  
In a moment he was kissing her, only coming up for air and to relocate his mouth to the back of her neck, following his hands in unfastening the dress.

* * *

Sorry folks, family show. 


	25. two sides of the same coin

"You got everything?" Susan ducked her head into the bedroom. She was trying to rush around, keep busy, push the leaving-for-work routine into a short space of time leaving no room to think about Mark's return to hospital. Real good start to what was bound to be a fantastic day.  
  
He was straightening the bed covers. He smiled at her and sat down.  
  
She smiled and went to sit beside him, rubbing her hand on his back. "You okay?"  
  
He nodded and looked at her.  
  
"At least you know what you're in for this time." She smiled wryly, knowing what little difference and comfort that was.  
  
"Actually I'm not so fussed about going back to hospital. I just don't want the honeymoon to be over."  
  
She grinned and kissed him. "It's not."  
  
He let his eyes linger on her face, a contented smile playing on his lips. "God, you're beautiful."  
  
She cupped his cheek in one hand and pulled him into an embrace before he could see the sorrow seeping into her eyes. "I love you."  
  
He held her tight. "Thank you."  
  
"Come on." She pulled back and picked up his bag.  
  
He followed her out. "So what time are you off tonight?"  
  
"Ten o'clock." She put down his bag by the door and slipped her arms into a dark grey woollen coat. "I'll sneak past the nurses and visit." She grinned as he opened the door and stepped out into the hall.  
  
"Good." He took a deep breath. Back to seeing her between shifts and during slow ones… waking to find her hunched over the edge of his bed in such a way it was remarkable she slept all – let alone was able to walk afterwards…  
  
Three nights of falling asleep so close to her he wasn't sure if he'd keep breathing when she moved. Three mornings of waking up to her adoring eyes… healing hands… that brilliant smile…   
  
For three days he hadn't felt like he was dying.

* * *

"He seemed okay tonight." Rachel leant back in the passenger seat.  
  
"Yeah." Susan started the engine and backed out of the parking space, refusing to make eye contact. It had only been three days but it felt like that's how it should be forever. Bliss could have been normality. But instead, this was normal – a weekend out of the hospital was something to look forward to but he still had to go back in. She'd walked him up to oncology and left a doctor in the waiting room. When she found Rachel at his bedside the doctor was a patient, his eyes heavy, appreciating every moment like he could count how many he had left on one hand. His eyes gave him away. He was wondering if he could make up for all the years of absence and distance – he was wondering if he'd have time. He was looking at his teenage daughter, remembering the little girl she had been and wishing he could see the woman she would become, wishing so hard he daren't speak, that he could see her next birthday, Christmas, graduation… her wedding… when she had children of her own…  
  
"Are you okay?" Rachel turned off the radio when no station satisfied, calling Susan back to the present.  
  
"Ah, yeah." She took a deep breath and looked back at the road.  
  
"It's good right? That he could go home for a bit – I mean that's a good sign right?"  
  
Susan looked at her and nodded with a smile of more confidence than she contained.  
  
"So when can he come home again?"  
  
Susan swallowed – she wasn't coping with this. "Um, they'll do heaps of tests at the end of this week and then we'll know what to expect – as much as ever."  
  
Rachel could hear the tears in the back of her throat. She turned to Susan and put a concerned hand on her arm.  
  
"I'm okay, I'm just… pregnancy hormones." She tried to laugh at herself.  
  
Rachel smiled. "Can you feel it yet?"  
  
"Thebaby? I think so, but I may just be imagining it."  
  
"I think he'll be okay." Rachel sat back solemnly.  
  
Susan focussed on the road, wishing she could be so sure. 


	26. time

Six months later…  
  
"Susan? What are you still doing here?" Kerry found Susan bent over an arm laceration, suturing.  
  
"Just finishing up." She smiled as she cut the nylon thread.  
  
"I thought you were off half an hour ago."  
  
"I was." Susan turned back to her patient, "Come back in ten days to have them removed." Then she followed Kerry back to admittance. "I'm waiting on some results so I figured I'd make myself useful while I'm here."  
  
"Okay." Kerry relented, "But take it easy. Mark has no qualms yelling at me when you work too hard." Her eyes wandered to Susan's stomach.  
  
Susan laughed, "I'm fine. Oh, Frank, have any messages come for me?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
Susan exhaled a little impatiently. "If anyone calls then you need to come get me." She demanded pointedly.  
  
"Sure." He wasn't really listening.  
  
"Frank!"  
  
"What?" he looked up from the computer impatiently.  
  
"If anyone calls. Find me. I'm serious."  
  
"Yeah. Okay."  
  
Paramedics burst through the ambulance bay doors with their usual alacrity and laden gurney.  
  
"What have we got?" Susan gave up on Frank and sidled up to the gurney with slightly less pace than usual, only just keeping up as they arrived in trauma one.  
  
Kerry watched her concerned. They were understaffed and this patient would undoubtedly benefit from Susan's assistance.  
  
"I'm fine." Susan caught her glare and continued intubating.  
  
"You're lucky it's your last shift." Kerry couldn't help but smile. She'd had Susan off trauma as much as possible for a fortnight. But the woman was stubborn.  
  
"Dr Lewis." Frank poked his head into the trauma room, knowing this wasn't the usual procedure and expecting Kerry to blow him up well and good.  
  
They all ignored him.  
  
"Dr Lewis." He tried again.  
  
She looked up, her hands more than busy. "What?"  
  
"Oncology called."  
  
"And?"  
  
"They said they'd fax what you asked for."  
  
Susan was called back to what she was doing, but in the middle of orders and labs she returned to Frank: "bring the fax in when it comes."  
  
He knew it was about Mark. Everyone did. It had to be. "Any faxes arrived?" he yelled as he bee lined for the fax machine.   
  
"I dunno." Jerry shrugged.  
  
Frank saw the sheets come through as he approached and tore them from the machine, running back to trauma one.  
  
"What is it?" Jerry followed.  
  
Frank stopped inside the trauma room. The patient's heart was flat lining.  
  
Kerry was pumping on the guys chest.  
  
"Charge to three hundred." Susan held the paddles out in front of her and brought them down on the patient's chest, as Kerry stepped back. "Clear!"  
  
"Got a pulse." Kerry exhaled relieved.  
  
Susan put the paddles back on the crash cart. "What does it say?" she asked exhausted, but still working away on her patient. He wasn't out of the woods yet.  
  
"Um…" Frank looked at the first sheet and read out a couple of figures

"Kerry, can you tell me what it says?" Susan couldn't hide the anxiety in her voice.  
  
Kerry took the fax paper from Frank and skimmed over the pages.  
  
"What does it say?"  
  
"It's good…" Kerry was grinning, "The tumour is shrinking, the diagnosis is good."  
  
Susan looked up totally overwhelmed.  
  
"This guy has a tumour?" Pratt asked. Everyone ignored him.  
  
"Go." Kerry laughed.  
  
Susan pushed past the confused Pratt and took the papers Kerry held out to her.  
  
"We're fine here, go." Kerry took over the patient with an irremovable smile while Susan tore off gloves and gown, and did her best to run to the elevator.  
  
The doors were closing as she got there. "Hold the elevator!"  
  
Elizabeth stepped forward to hold the door open.  
  
"Thanks." Susan puffed, leaning back on the wall inside, laughing as the door shut, skimming the tattered fax paper in her hot little hand.  
  
"You okay?" Elizabeth smiled, somewhat bewildered.  
  
"Yeah." Susan answered distracted then looked up, coming to the end of the printed results. "Good news." She grinned.  
  
"About Mark?"  
  
Susan nodded as the doors opened.  
  
"Let us know." Elizabeth called as the pregnant woman moved with remarkable speed down the all-too-familiar halls.  
  
Susan stopped outside Mark's door but only considered catching her breath for a moment.  
  
He stood up as she entered. Her face gave away what she knew. Her eyes wide and sparkling, mouth open, stunned and silently laughing as she stepped into a rough and tight embrace.   
  
But only for a moment before he pried her back to kiss her well and good.  
  
Her laugh faded as she kissed him back.  
  
"They want check ups every two weeks but…" he grinned, running out of words.

He dared hope. There was nothing to say.  
  
"Let's have that honeymoon." She suggested almost meekly.  
  
His smile broke open again, spreading across his face, then hers. He nodded and took a deep controlled breath, just looking at her until he laughed. "I never really thought I'd..."  
  
"Everyone kept saying, 'miracles do happen', but…"  
  
A million nothings were flying through his head and all he could do was grin at her, "Two weeks – lets get a cabin on the lake somewhere and just…"  
  
She nodded, tears spilling over as she covered her mouth with one hand. It was beginning to sink in. This fight wasn't over – but they had time. No forever, but maybe years. And that was years more than they'd had only a couple of weeks ago.  
  
He gathered her back into his arms, one hand dropping affectionately to her belly as he kissed her hair.


	27. only so many honeymoons

  
  
"Good to see you got your appetite back." Susan grinned at him across the table. They'd stopped at a roadside diner for lunch.  
  
"Eating is one of the greatest joys of life."  
  
"I'm eating for two, what's your excuse?"  
  
"I've got catching up to do. Plus, I'm storing energy – I figure I should carry you across the threshold on one honeymoon."  
  
"That's getting harder everyday." She stretched her back, looking down at her stomach with an irreplaceable smile on her lips.  
  
"Only a month to go now."  
  
"I'll be able to wear normal clothes again."  
  
"I like you like this." He toyed with his fork, holding her eyes fondly.  
  
"Is it the mood swings or huge breasts?"  
  
That got him grinning again.  
  
"See, I know you too well."  
  
"Think what you like – I think you're very sexy."

* * *

"Nice swim?" Mark was lying on his back on the beach and perched up on his elbows to watch her drying herself with one towel then sitting beside him on another.  
  
"Perfect." She toyed with her hair, trying to make some sense of the tangled wet mass. "Good book?"  
  
"I haven't a clue." He put it down. "I have a confession to make – you're much more interesting."  
  
"You were spying on me?"  
  
He shrugged, a smile teasing her as he leant in for a kiss.  
  
She lay down on her side beside him, one hand, covered by his, on his chest. "This is about perfect."  
  
He nodded and moaned softly in agreement, letting his eyes shut out the mid afternoon sun, while his body basked luxuriously in her warmth.

* * *

"I'm back!" Mark let the screen door swing shut behind him and headed for the tiny kitchen.  
  
Susan was sleeping on a sofa in the lounge, the late afternoon sun now only touching her legs. "Hi." She didn't quite wake up though she spoke aloud.  
  
Mark poked his head around the door and only smiled when he saw her, returning to his work in the kitchen.

She had no idea how long she'd slept but it was dark when she pried herself off the sofa.  
  
"Hey." She ran her hand up his back and let it rest on his shoulder.  
  
He turned and kissed her, "Guess what?"  
  
"What?" she asked sleepily.  
  
"I caught dinner."  
  
"What did you get?" she smiled, surprised his fishing expedition had been a success but trying to hide it so as not to offend him.  
  
"Ye of little faith… you'll see. No peeking." He nudged her away from the oven, back into the lounge. "Here…" he handed her his book, "give me twenty minutes."  
  
"I can think of better ways to use twenty minutes."  
  
He stopped in the doorway and turned to face her. "This is worth the wait, I promise."  
  
She sat down and flicked through the book. Something about foetal heart disorders. "This is optimistic." She called out.  
  
"Kerry wanted me to read some 'twelve steps to…' blah blah blah."  
  
Susan laughed, "I think I'm losing my touch. You used to be easier to seduce."  
  
"I doubt it." He called back. "Just be patient."  
  
"Okay. I'll try." She put the book down, "But I think I'll find something else to read."

* * *

"Wow." Susan rolled onto her side, not wanting to let go of him.  
  
He grinned and kissed her again.  
  
"If I'd known getting back to nature would have this affect on you…"  
  
He laughed, "It could have been the trout."  
  
"We'll have to add that to the weekly grocery bill then."  
  
"You won't hear any complaints from me." He kissed her again, running one hand up her thigh, over her stomach to her neck, his eyes contentedly contemplating her face as his heart rate slowed. "Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?"  
  
She shut him up with a kiss, which only broke when she gasped.  
  
"You okay?" his eyes were etched with concern.  
  
"Yeah." She was still wincing and he wasn't convinced.  
  
"Contractions?"  
  
"It'll just be Braxton hicks. See? I'm fine." She exhaled and gave him a smile – clearly for his benefit.  
  
"Okay, but don't be a trooper – we can go back if we need to."  
  
"Are you kidding? We can only have so many honeymoons."  
  
"Just be careful." He stroked her cheek and kissed her forehead.  
  
"Okay." She whispered, her eyes shutting.

"You'll get a sore back if you sleep like that."  
  
Her eyes opened in tired frustration, "I just want to sleep. If I lie on my back someone uses my bladder as a stress ball. This way I don't have to deal with the pain until morning. And you get to be my own personal masseuse."  
  
"Good call."  
  
She shut her eyes again, "Yeah, doctor's hands. The rumours are true." She teased. Then another contraction hit.  
  
He rolled onto his side to face her, trying not to be overly concerned, and took her hand.  
  
"Damn!" she squeezed his hand, her whole body tensing.  
  
"Susan, maybe we should go."  
  
"No, it'll pass." She forced herself to take even breaths. "Just wait a minute."  
  
He watched her face as the pain subsided.  
  
"That better be it. You wore me out, I just want to sleep." She nestled closer to him in relief and hope.  
  
"Any more and I'm taking you in. If it's nothing we can come back but I'm not taking any risks."  
  
"No, I just want to sleep." She purred into his shoulder sleepily.  
  
"I know." He watched her face for a few moments then let his eyes fall shut, knowing he'd could still see her with his eyes closed – her figure etched into his eyelids, carved into the nerve endings of his fingertips.

"Aaaah." She moaned through gritted teeth, "Oh man." It hit unreservedly and she clenched both fists, her face scrunched up in pain.   
  
Mark reached over and turned on the light, his concerned eyes not leaving her face as he reached for his phone.  
  
"I don't want to go." She forced herself to look at him.  
  
He sighed and put the phone down. She was still in a lot of pain – she was trying to hide it but he wasn't fooled for a moment.  
  
The contraction subsided and he helped her get dressed. She let him, albeit reluctantly, then lay back and drifted off while he packed their suitcases. He didn't want to move her until after the next one – risking a contraction hitting en route to the car. While she dozed he took their luggage to the car. She was still sleeping when he got back.  
  
"Susan." He sat down on the bed.  
  
She put one hand on his leg without opening her eyes. "I'm fine. Let's just go back to sleep."  
  
It had been almost ten minutes, he wondered, maybe it was over. Unfortunately he knew all the worst-case scenarios.  
  
"Lie down." She whispered, eyes still closed.  
  
He flicked off the light and lay back beside her, realizing his own exhaustion.  
  
Her sharp intake of breath woke him instantly.  
  
As soon as it subsided her forced her out of bed, his arm firmly around her waist, as he half carried her to the car, only returning to the cabin to turn off lights and lock the door.  
  
"This is ridiculous. It's probably Braxton hicks." She yawned as they pulled out onto the main road.  
  
"Yeah, I know. But I'm a paranoid father-to-be."  
  
"You're already a father Mark." She said, just to be difficult.  
  
"You should have seen me the first time round."  
  
She laughed, her eyes closing lazily. "Did you get my things from the bathroom?"  
  
"Yeah, I got everything. And I can go back later if I forgot – anyway, if this is false labour we can go back tomorrow."  
  
"Good." She yawned again.  
  
"You might as well sleep – it's fourty minutes to the city."  
  
"Okay," she leant her head on the seatbelt as he took her hand. "Should I warn you before I crush your hand again –wouldn't want to cause an accident?"  
  
He laughed, "Might be a good idea."  
  
"I'm gonna crush your --- ahhh…"  
  
He grimaced, trying to focus on the deserted road to keep his mind off the permanent damage she was doing to his hand.


	28. diagnosis pending

Someone asked me to hold off the angst for a little while - to just write mush... nice idea. But then the angst is what makes the mush so gloriously mushy! So enjoy the mush, for the angst shall return... evil laughter in the background, can't you hear it?

* * *

"Susan?" Carter put a chart back on the rack and jogged across the ER to meet them. "Is she okay?" he asked Mark.

"No." Susan answered, teeth gritted, as she reached for the closest chair.

"Can we get a gurney over here?" Carter yelled to no one in particular.

"How many weeks…?"

"Thirty six." Mark answered, "Contractions are six minutes apart – started an hour ago. It's probably Braxton hicks, but I just…"

"Fair enough." Carter helped Mark lift her onto the gurney and they wheeled her into exam one, Carter barking orders all the way.

* * *

"Looks good." Susan's doctor's instinct blurred with all the other instincts roaming her hormones, her eyes filling with tears while she watched the ultrasound.

"He's beautiful." Mark leant over the bedside, holding her hand and swallowing furiously.

"Yeah, it all looks good." Carter couldn't help grinning, watching them. "Blood pressure's a bit high but I'll tell you more when we get your labs." He headed out into the hall.

"I'm fine." She touched his face, knowing he was more concerned than it was reasonable.

"Yeah, I know." His smile was hardly convincing but she was too tired to put any more effort into reassuring him.

* * *

"Okay, everything pretty much looks good," Carter stood at the end of her bed, "There's some protein in the urine, but with a slight temperature it's probably just a UTI…"

"Yeah." Mark cut him off, concern etched into his face.

"We'll send you upstairs as soon as a bed becomes available. And if the contractions continue we can give you another round of Terbutalene."

"Or go with the epidural and get it over with." Susan wasn't sure she was teasing. Pregnancy was a joy she'd had quite enough of.

"I'll go and get someone from OB – they take forever." Mark stood up, not amused

"They'll be down as soon as possible." Carter said.

"Mark, I need you here – I was just kidding – I need you here." Susan insisted and he sat back down, taking her hand as another contraction hit. "Okay, maybe I wasn't kidding about that epidural." She said through gritted teeth

"Hey, the rumours were true!" Jing-Mei entered with a grin.

"AAAAaaah!" Susan let it all go.

"How many centimetres is she dialated?" Jing-Mei picked up the chart.

"She wouldn't let me look." Carter shrugged, while Jing-Mei just laughed.

Susan just looked at her, waiting for the contraction to subside, "What? Would you?"

"Actually I think I did."

"What?"

"Long story."

"Well, if this is the real thing then I might have a while."

"But I'm covering the ER." Jing-Mei escaped and Carter followed,

"I'll go chase up that OB/GYN consult."

Mark smiled at her, flexing his fingers, checking for damage.

"She had a baby?"

"Yup."

"But…"

"She gave him up for adoption." Mark said, then yawned dramatically.

"Why don't you try and get some sleep – this could take a while."

"When we get up to OB. How you feeling?"

She simply nodded in reply.

He was watching the monitors – her blood pressure was still high.

"Mark." She called his attention away from the machines. "I don't need another doctor."

"Sorry." He rubbed his tired eyes and kissed her hand.


	29. dejavu

Half an hour later the contractions kept coming, only four minutes apart.

Coburn arrived amidst a busy ER, finding Susan and Mark alone in exam four, where they'd been moved out of the way. "You're eight centimetres dilated so we've got some time – which is good because there's no room upstairs."

Susan just sighed and let her head fall back, desperate to get some sleep.

Mark stood and went to follow Coburn outside, "Look, there was protein in her urine and her blood pressure's up. What if it's pre-eclampsia?"

"I understand you're concerned, but your wife is in no danger and the baby monitor shows no need for concern. We'll move her upstairs as soon as possible."

Mark sighed, wishing he could do something – anything…

Machines alarmed and it took them a few moments to realise this critical patient was in the room they'd just exited.

Mark was at her side in a moment, helplessly watching her seize, while the Coburn called the attention of Jing-Mei, Haleh and Malik.

They were at Susan's side in a moment and Mark quickly got pushed out of the way as Carter ordered Magnesium and Hydralazine.

"We need to deliver." Coburn ignored Mark's desperate glare, both of them trying not to think of the Jody O'Brien.

"Down here?" Carter forgot to hide his concern like doctors are so well taught to do.

The seizure stopped and Coburn barked orders, "We'll try a natural delivery." Explaining for the family member present, forgetting he knew what was going on all too well.

"There isn't time." Mark spoke softly only because fear was crushing his throat.

"We still have time." Carter tried to reassure him.

Mark had gone pale, his better judgement struggling with his first instinct to gown up and do something.

He watched Susan's face as she came around and pushed past Carter to reassure himself as much as her.

"Is the baby okay?" she didn't know exactly what was going on but she could tell it wasn't good.

"Yeah, but you're going to have to deliver here."

"No." she shook her head adamantly, "We need to get upstairs."

"Actually, OB is coming to you." Coburn took charge, ordering drugs to induce labour, "We'll give you an epidural and then we're going to bring this baby into the world."

"Into the ER? Great." Susan rolled onto her side, with a little assistance.

The epidural seemed to take a lot longer on that side of the needle and when another contraction hit she had to crush both Mark's hands to keep from moving. He didn't have that same grinning-despite-pain look on his face anymore; his concern had overridden everything else.

"It'll be fine." She tried to reassure him. "It's eclampsia?"

He nodded, "But you're right – it'll be fine." He kissed her, almost desperately. She knew he was thinking of the O'Brien case and nothing she said would change that.

She rolled back onto her back and Coburn told her to push when she said to.

Mark didn't move, holding her hand like a lifeline and crouching over the bed as close as physically possible.

Coburn made the mistake of looking confused, "can I get an ultrasound here?"

"You want to puncture her membranes?" Carter asked, setting up the ultrasound.

Coburn didn't answer, watching the screen. "Placenta's abrupted, we need to deliver now!"

* * *

Hehe, cliffhanger, this should get me some reviews… evil laughter…


	30. Just Breath

Mark stood at her shoulder, holding her hand and desperately wanting to say he loved her.

But he wouldn't because it sounded like goodbye and he couldn't lose her. Not after all they'd been through. Not like this.

"Okay, Susan, push when I say so." Coburn instructed.

Susan nodded then looked back to Mark and smiled to reassure him.

He kissed her, "Come on, you can do this."

"Push."

She gritted her teeth and pushed, "We can do this." She corrected him.

Mark looked to Coburn, trying to get a prognosis from her professionally opaque expression.

"And again." Coburn called.

Susan pushed hard, trying to ignore the dull and bizarre sensation, knowing the epidural made her effectively ignorant of what her body was doing from the waist down.

"That's right, just one more."

Mark finally smiled.

"And one more."

"How many times do I have to push just once more?" Susan asked, baring down until she heard the tell-tale cry of a newborn child.

"That's it." Coburn smiled, pegging the umbilical cord expertly.

Susan lay back exhausted as Mark stood, trying to see the baby a Haleh had was wrapping in sterilized cloths.

"Can I?" he asked impatiently.

Haleh grinned and walked to him, wordlessly placing the tiny child in his arms.

He wouldn't have heard her, had she spoken, his heart was beating so fast, so loud, as something like awe welled up in his chest, in the back of his throat, behind his eyes. His mouth hung open, sure there was something to say but without the first clue what that might be.

Susan grinned, watching him, "My turn?"

She sat up as he placed the boy at her chest. He didn't actually let go – one arm remained under Susan's, holding their son, and his other arm, with a minor detour to rid the tears from his cheeks, slid around Susan's shoulders. S

he was laughing silently, her eyes lingering over the tiny lips, big brown eyes, pudgy shoulders and cheeks… He was perfect.

Mark kissed her cheek, flooded with relief as the tears just kept coming. Everyone was watching and he didn't much mind, but he buried his face in her shoulder, wanting to disappear into a world with only the three of them.

"Have you got a name?" Carter asked, blinking back his own tears proudly.

Susan looked at Mark, and laughed, wiping the tears from his cheek, her voice almost failing, "Matthew?"

Mark nodded and kissed her properly, or a bit longer than proper.

Carter laughed, "Yeah, okay, we'll leave you alone."

Coburn was the last to leave, "I'll sign your chart then we'll take you up."

They effectively ignored her.

"God, he's beautiful." Mark whispered in the silence, trying to catch his breath.

"Yeah." She ran her fingertips down Matthew's cheek, "Hi."

Mark laughed, watching his face, his alert eyes flitting across their faces. "That wasn't so hard." He ran his hand up her back adoringly.

"Speak for yourself."

"You scared me for a minute."

"I know." She turned to him, holding his eyes and taking a deep breath. "I love you."

He just looked at her, awestruck. Then at Matthew. "Wow." He breathed.


	31. the family bit

Mark carefully held Matthew in one arm and opened the door to her room. She'd been dozing but opened her eyes when she heard them, a breathtaking smile spreading over her face instantly.

"You have a visitor." Mark grinned. He hadn't stopped grinning in a couple of days.

Susan sat up and let Mark put Matthew in her arms. "Thank you."

He just smiled, stroking her hair back as she looked at their baby. "How are you feeling?"

"Oh, okay." She turned to him. "Tired... How about you? Holding up?"

"I actually went home last night. So I should have slept better."

"Better than that chair?"

"Yeah, exactly. But I kept thinking and I barely slept at all."

She grinned at him.

"I want to take you home."

She nodded. "Probably tomorrow."

"You'd probably sleep better at home and I could look after Matthew."

She laughed.

Someone knocked on the door and they turned to see Rachel, closely followed by Carter.

Mark stood, surprised, "I thought you were coming tomorrow."

Rachel grinned and hugged him. "I was impatient and mum didn't mind so I just took an earlier flight." She stole the seat he'd just vacated and looked at Matthew with awe struck adoration. "He's so beautiful."

Susan grinned, "Do you want to hold him?"

Rachel nodded and reached out carefully taking the tiny body.

"Hey Carter." Susan looked up from smiling at Rachel.

"Hey." He approached, careful at first not to invade the family bit. "How are you feeling?"

She nodded. "You surviving without us downstairs."

He shrugged, "We'll cope. And if we get desperate you're not far away. When are they kicking you out?"

"I think she'll escape first." Mark said.

She shook her head, "More likely he'll kidnap me."

"What can I say? I miss my wife." Mark shrugged.

Carter grinned. "So this is Matthew eh? He's quite famous. Chuny started a fan club."

"She visited yesterday." Susan explained when Mark looked confused.

"She took photos." Carter added.

"Yeah, digital camera."

"They're all over the ER."

Mark almost looked shocked.

"Hey, I'm the one without make up in the photos, not you." Susan laughed at him.

"You look fine." Rachel phased out of baby-world for a moment.

"May I?" Carter asked permission to take Matthew.

Susan nodded as Rachel stood and handed him the active bundle.

Carter lifted him up, Rachel still holding his hand, as Mark took his seat by Susan again.

"See, the photos were fine, but this is cute."

Rachel laughed. "Yes he is."

"Just think, you'll get to drill all his potential girlfriends." Carter teased, getting another laugh out of Rachel.

"He's two days old, that's a little premature." Susan lay back again, still tired. Mark watched her with concern. "I'm fine." She took his hand, knowing his thoughts exactly.

"I should head back anyway." Carter returned Matthew to Rachel.

"Thanks for visiting." Susan smiled.

"Oh, no, I'm just glad to see you're doing well – you know you scared us downstairs – just for a minute."

She laughed. "Thank you."

Carter just smiled, "I'll see you later." He let the door shut behind him and headed back to work.

"I should probably take Matthew back. I was working on one of the nurses – trying to get them to move him in with you – but the NICU wants to keep him for the rest of the day."

"It's okay. I'll just hold him for a little bit longer." She took him as Rachel leant over to give him to her. "Hi Matthew. Hi..." she smiled. Then she yawned.

Several yawns later she gave him to Mark.

"I can take him if you like." Rachel offered.

"You know where to go?"

She nodded and took him from her father's arms, talking to him softly as she walked out into the familiar corridor.

"You sure you're okay?" Mark sat back down, taking Susan's hand almost automatically.

She nodded. "My body's just beat."

"Well, you look beautiful."

She laughed. "And there's no mirrors around so you can lie and I'll never know."

"You always look beautiful." He kissed the top of her hand.

She watched him with an immovable smile and tired eyes, moving her hand to his cheek and guiding his face to look at her. She took a deep breath and let her eyes sink into his luxuriously.

He leant in and kissed her, pulled in, more than he'd been expecting. He let his hand wander over her body, over the bed covers, and then he pulled back. "See, that's why I want to take you home."

"That never stopped us before." She grinned cheekily.

"This is slightly different."

"Less morbid."

"Exactly. I think in oncology the staff would be less..."

"You don't like the dirty looks? I don't know..."

Mark laughed. That's what she was aiming for. Then she pulled him back down for another lingering kiss, wiping the laughter from his lips.

Rachel returned and disappeared again with a mumbled, "Oh, sorry."

"I'll go get her." Mark pulled back again, this time laughing and biting his lower lip.

Susan smiled. "Yeah, you should probably take her home if she's been travelling, she's probably tired. And if she left her luggage with Carter then we could really be in trouble."

Mark laughed and dashed outside.

"Hey, sorry about that." He found her looking out the windows in the corridor overlooking Chicago.

She shrugged, "No problem."

Mark took a deep breath. Awkward territory. "So, where's your luggage?"

"Oh, I left it in the lounge downstairs."

"Well, Susan's pretty tired so how about we take you home?" he asked as she yawned.

"Okay." The headed toward the elevators and were inside before Rachel spoke again. "Dad..."

"Yeah?"

"This is really cool."

"Matthew?"

She nodded, "And Susan."

The elevator doors opened.

"We're like a normal family. Almost."

Mark grinned, "No such thing – but yeah."

"Hey, how's Matthew?" Jing Mei caught up with them en route to the lounge.

"They're both doing really well." Mark gave the token news. If anything went wrong everyone would know in minutes. But if they heard nothing it was safe to assume things were good. Token question. Token answer.

"Oh, I'm glad. See you later." She dashed off as a trauma rolled in – a man with part of a fence post through his bicep.

"This place is insane." Rachel said as they escaped into the lounge.

Kerry was inside, wrestling with the fridge door that wouldn't stay shut. "Yep, they can't even get a guy to fix a door." She carefully closed the door and held it in place. "Hey, congratulations." She nodded at Mark as she let go of the door.

It opened again but she left it with a sigh and a roll of the eyes.

"Thanks." He picked up the suitcase from where Carter had tucked it behind the door.

"Are they going home today?" Kerry poured herself a cup of coffee.

"Ah, no, not yet. But hopefully tomorrow."

Kerry nodded. "Good. I'm glad to hear everything went okay in the end."

"Yeah."

"But let us know when you can come back." She gave him a grin and headed out into the ER. He knew she wouldn't push either of their return to work, just that she'd appreciate having their skill and experience back in her ER.

"Did something go wrong with the baby?" Rachel asked, opening the door so Mark could carry her suitcase through.

"Oh, not really – I mean, Matthew is fine now. And Susan's okay. But the baby came a month early."

"Yeah." Rachel knew that bit.

"Well, it was because Susan got this condition called Eclampsia. It's kind of hard to explain. But basically the only way we could make her better was to induce labour."

"Oh. But she's okay?"

Mark nodded. "I think she'll just take a bit longer to get back on her feet."

"Oh. Good. And I can, like, help out, you know, if she needs it."

Mar smiled, swallowing his surprise. "That'd be great."


	32. the good things are terrifying too

Susan let her body sink into the mattress, collecting the cool sheets around her. This was what she needed. Her legs ached and her head felt like a medicine ball balanced on a toothpick. She looked at the clock – only nine o'clock. Still, Mark should be home. But she knew what the ER was like – anything could have happened. She was too tired to wait up for him.

She flicked off the bedside lamp and shut her eyes.

* * *

Mark shut the front door silently behind him and put his back pack on the floor. The apartment was dark except for the light under Rachel's door. He checked his watch and knocked on her door.

"Yeah?" Rachel called complacently.

Mark opened the door slightly. "Hey."

"Oh, hi Dad."

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah. I'll survive. It's just a test. I just have to keep telling myself. It's just a test and it'll all be over by midday tomorrow."

Mark grinned. "Shouldn't you get some sleep?"

"Only three chapters to go."

"Okay. See you tomorrow." He backed out of the room.

"Night Dad."

Mark saw the light was off in his room and headed for Matthew's cot, tucked in the alcove outside their bedroom. A small smile crept unbidden onto his lips as he looked down at his son. He held the edge of the cot with one hand and leant in to kiss Matthew's forehead.

* * *

Susan woke to Mark brushing the hair of her forehead, followed by his lips.

"Hey you." She smiled sleepily.

"Hi." He whispered, sitting on the edge of the bed and slipping his shoes off.

"What happened?" she ran her fingers down his arm and found his hand.

"Oh, you don't want to know."

"That bad huh?"

"Yeah. I'm so ready for bed." He pulled off his shirt. "Roll over."

She giggled and complied as he got under the sheet beside her. "So, you're okay?"

"Yeah." He slipped one arm around her. "Glad to be home though."

She kissed him and pulled him closer.

He held her tightly.

"You okay?" she asked when he didn't relax his grip.

"Oh... yeah." He let go. "It was just... I'm just glad you're all safe and sound. I was watching these people being rolled in on gurneys not knowing if they'd ever leave again and I know I've seen it all a thousand times but I was checking every face and I knew you and Matthew and Rachel were home and fine but I've never been so scared."

"Hey," she ran one hand up his cheek and over his head, pulling him closer again, "It's okay."

"No it's not. Anything can happen – and it does. All the time. But I just can't lose you." He was holding her dangerously tightly again.

She held him till his grip relaxed and he slept, knowing every angle of the fear he'd just described. That same world-shaking fear he'd just described was one she'd faced every day for months – that all she lived for, all she loved and needed and wanted could so easily slip from her grasp. But it made her fight for him harder than she'd ever fought for anything. She knew what he feared – that life would go on without them. And sleep was the only escape from that horrifying knowledge.


End file.
